Sunday, October 17, 2010

So Into Myself

Yep, I admit it. For a while I took so many pictures of myself that I appeared obssessed. I was, losing weight and all and feeling like a new person. That has worn off, a little of the weight has come back and of course that has me freaking, but it offsets because I'm working out at Curves - and its worked (doctor suggested) - my heart is at regular rhythm most of time, am stronger, so assuming the heart muscle as well is stronger. No longer take many pictures. Won't be long and I'll hit the big 66. I look in the mirror - I look more like an ol' Indian lady everyday. Still have the vanity of having my hair striped - and my daughters dress me, so sometimes look like an aged 30 year old, some weird combination.

Life - gets better and better in my head. Yah. It does. There is hope - wooo hoooooo! I probably live a far more exciting life than ever - and fulfilling, art is blooming, I am more able to be who I am without fear of what people will think of me. Way less perfectionistic, though sometimes anxiety haunts me some.

Winter is comin' on - and I think back on last winter, my routines, my long nights on Farmtown, my dear friend that I email with everyday - other friends - family - getting dark too early, still battle with weight, learning to love better - hopefully. What will this winter bring? I don't know. It's been a weird year, a tough year. Friends losing family members. My own mother just had an episode of 3 blood clots in her lungs - good thing she had a reaction to a flu shot, though it tore her up, at least they found the clots before they killed her. Whew. My girls struggling, grandkids struggling. But then that's life. It's harder though to "make it" when an acorn squash costs $4.00 - and radishes almost a couple of bucks - etc. etc. And I'm not even in Europe where prices are worse than they are here.

Anyway, we live - we live a day at a time. And hopefully our plans don't fall apart - too often that is. I remember back, one job I hoped to retire from - wall street went - my retirement totally disappeared. I tried again. Boom - at least I got out with my contribution. "H" is not a planner - I've made my own way, and never enough left over to stash. Or maybe I've been too generous - no, that's not it, there is a principle, you reap and you sow. No seeds, no reaping.

So - as we slide toward November, I'm thinking - what will happen next year? We don't know. I hope it brings more strength because I don't think it will bring more peace.

Well, moving on - I have to have about 15 pictures to enter jurying for acceptance into a really cool gallery on the best street in town! I'm so excited. Have moved mostly to charcoals lately...
need to paint, if I could get everything done, I would, start. Time counts down.


punxxi said...

Have you thought that some weight gain may be from gaining muscle? I can understand your wanting to document your changing body,since it was change for the better. I hope this next year is better for everyone. All I really wish is that people would start buying houses again. We took ours off the market after it had been on over 2 years...we don't need to sell it so we will do a few little fixing up things to please ourselves that will be good when we go back on the market. Good luck with your gallery showing, it must be so exciting!

Four Dinners said...

Anyone ever told you that you have the sweetest smile?

4D xx

tshsmom said...

We've had a beautiful, warm, sunny Fall! It's lured us into thinking winter is far off. We'd better get the winterizing finished!

I envy your attitude, and grandchildren, and friends.

Gardenia said...

Four D - yes, my husband. It took a lot of years to learn to smile!

I too wish the market would cleanup - there is soooo much property along the beach here for sale too - credit must be really tight!