Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas Review

To daughter's house for Christmas
Presents in the Elvis Room

Movies for later


THE CHAIR! Christmas present to make gaming even more awesome!




My youngest daughter's house




This a man dog?





Oldest Grandson with lst born daughter






Leopard Skin Shoes done and ready to hang








Youngest grandson - can't stay off the computer







Nana & Christian










Shop stop for some seafood



We had a great Christmas. Good snacks, fun together, a new puppy, Weezie (which I really wish they could clone me one - he's adorable and soooo good. The weather a bit drizzly with rain, today sunshine. Too many lemon drop martinis - whoooooo - too many calories - but good times - even remembered how to jitterbug much to the grandkids, or at least the one who was "jitterbugging" with, delight.
"H" is out shopping day after sales, I'm too broke for that, so youngest grandson and I are watching movies -
My granddaughter would not permit any pictures on Christmas day - :(
"H" and I went to NINE and IT'S COMPLICATED yesterday, both about men who were egotistical womanizing butts - but the casting, costumes, unique presentation and plot behind NINE made up for that many many times over - and Penelope Cruz who never seemed more than a shadow did a number that was really powerful - she won't be forgotten. And even a few moments of Sophia Loren were worth the whole movie as well. I would give it a "9!"
We laughed so hard through "IT'S COMPLICATED" and cheered at the ending, she made the right choice.
That sums it up - now on to New Year's then Mardi Gras......






Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Happy Holidays


Hope everyone enjoys the slowdown and holiday(s), whichever, or however you choose to celebrate!

We're having a hodge-podge - Christmas eve with youngest daughter and grandson, and older daughter and grandkids coming from Mobile - then not sure when we'll put in a small turkey over here - need to accommodate those coming and going - "H" and I can always plan snacks around them.

Then celebration with friends on the weekend - but right now feel too tired to do one more thing tonight/p!

Snowbird friends will arrive to their place over the bridge after Christmas.

And I still don't have my fall yardwork done.

The pantry, however, and the laundry room have been painted and are fresh!

The poor potted plant's bows are beginning to droop - my visitors today made fun of our tree - well, they should come and put us up a proper one!

The Nutcracker Ballet was a good show, a bit non-traditional, but delightful as always. Grandson has gathered two additional new nutcrackers for his collection, one picked up from the ballet. We went to eat at Red Lobster and he had a proper Christmas with Grandma. Hope for some special time with each older one when they are here!

Time to find a snack! Happy Holidays!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Testing 1, 2, 3












"H" bought me a new camera for Christmas. So far it looks really super - I wanted one with a less limiting focal length than I now have, where I could print large format should the whim hit me, one that had good macro and the possibility to change lenses for wide angle, yet digital, rechargeable batteries, small - she's all that, plus does HD video! Now I wish he had saved this money before buying me the Flip video camera. Well, they won't go to waste! The only limitation I found is that the SD cards, I think are expensive but they can load - $19.95 for 490 photos not bad, the internal memory is really limited! Only two pics. I have the option of setting the camera for the large format size down to the size for emails and posting on web. Oh yeah, do I feel spoiled! I can't wait to hit the great outdoors!
An SD card that will hold the info for over two hours of HD is really espensive though.
The top photo was a night shot - the only illumination was the flash. Powerful for a little digital.
The berries - well, I know the macro works fine! The "natural" folage in our yard - from the swamp it was before homes - is not lacking in detail. I happy.
Christmas prep charges on - have to take a break and take grandson to doctor - he has an infected foot! His mom is sick. Stepdad on way to pick up his cousin for Christmas visit!
I'm not cooking much for Christmas - not like I did Thanksgiving - that cost me ten pounds (not pounds, but too much weight.)
Ok, someone sitting in the chair I need to get rid of so I can work or whatever in peace.....
Better call that doctor!






Thursday, December 17, 2009

The 60's - 70's and Men


Shouldn't do this - but as Manic Street Preacher says - tonight I am knackered. And I'm walking down memory lane to the tune of music from the Pandora on line radio station.
Willie Nelson wrote a song to to all the women I've ever loved - - - here's to the men....some of them....whom I've thought I loved.
Sarge McClintock - I found him on Facebook tonight. I thought I loved him. A disc jockey extraordinaire of the 60's - wondered what ever happened to Sarge - we were all into protest back then - he drank so much and look at him in the photo - must have been taken a few years ago.
He worked for the radio station where I was Miss KATI Icecycle. Which meant I had to walk around the mall in the winter in a bikini and five inch heals.....and a banner on the front of my bikini and have my picture taken - KATI!
Then, oh my gosh, Steve, a real screwball who asked me out and wanted me to become a stripper in Denver! I dumped him. Fine aspiration. Needless to say sometimes I wasn't too picky about my dating - but then I was rather naive as well.
The soldier from Mississippi I met in a Las Vegas night club that wanted to marry me - he lost his leg in the service . . . our worlds were too far apart - I really didn't mind he was handicapped, but so far apart....
Then, the music teacher in high school that had contacts in New York and called my parents in to talk about a career for me in the Rockettes - well, I sure was excited, a hidden dream of mine was to become a dancer. I don't know what happened - I never heard anymore about it. Why did he do that?
The night club outside of town - with steaks and dancing and lots of drinks - such a small dance floor - but in an isolated place, surrounded by pine trees and regulars...the Goose Egg Inn. What men were there - ah, Terry, Bill - and Bill's brother from Memphis (tall men who danced like a dreaming). I was married to Terry for two years and he fathered my son. He is an artist - I think still alive. I don't know. I'm angry at him, my son needed a father, and he ran.
The 60's dragged on into Iowa - and Faber - the crazy Irishman who carried me on his back from bar to bar - man, that guy was fun crazy. Asked me to marry him, but then I decided he was too fun crazy for marriage material. Faber is dead. I didn't cry. Then Mike, the guy I did marry who drove his truck down the road and I barely saw him - and I finally packed my little kids up and left him.
Before that, there were the boys, no, men, all supposedly "family" men at the insurance company in Baltimore - all but one were hustling me in some way - or maybe wistfully wishing, who knows, I was always so tall - they didn't make panty hose back then, so my garter and nylons peeking out from under my pencil skirts - - one took me for martinis on Wednesdays after work, but was very proper. What did a 40 year old man have in common with a 20 year old? I don't know. And then the other guy who gave me rides to work and slept with me once - Milt. Another, a crazy chiropractor who dated a stipper - where was I in the lineup? The middle eastern men who stalked me in Baltimore......the Pakistani I married before going to Baltimore who left for his home country three days after the marriage....and I later found out he had a wife and eight children in Pakistan.......An Iranian student who wanted to marry me in Baltimore, but didn't know how to break it to his father back in Iran....told ya'll I was a middle eastern man magnet....
Then - Alvin - the Indian who brought me into his world where I almost became lost - I will never forget the smell of woodsmoke, the taste of pork and corn over an open fire, and Indian bread . . . his skin smelled of smoke.....
Mike in Baltimore - the artist who broke my heart - and whose sculptured pieces of jewelry I still wear....
Jim in the 70's in Rawlins, who was my protector - who loved me from afar - got me a good job -and with whom I worked hand in hand for many years......
Mike, my soul friend for so many years in the 70's, I loved him, but nothing improper there . . . except perhaps he depended on me too much.......

Lonnie, who called me, stricken with cancer - a youthful sweet friend and sweetheart who apologized for taking advantage - we were Jr. High sweethearts - all I could do in the future time was to love him because he needed peace for the end - - - I have my suspicions that he killed himself rather than face the debilitation of cancer.....
Then men who were stuck in my skin like porky pine quills = = - that i have a long time since shedded.
I met God somewhere along the line - He reigned me in, he made me HIS lover - and men have dropped by the wayside - still some times I remember - maybe I shouldn't.
I have always been a wanderer - I will never know what or who tomorrow will bring to me.
Shocked - well, yes! I am a bit myself. Perhaps tomorrow, sober, I will delete this! I don't know.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Getting Ready for Christmas


Wrap me please - don't forget to stick some sardines in my box, maybe tuna too....

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Not a Good Day








It started out good enough today - got my first mile in on elliptical, drank all my green stuff, vitamins down - yes - shower, good hair day - grandson spending two days here - fun!

Well, grandson was dropped off with a present for the birthday party he was to attend. I was invited to a Christmas party. We left the house in the rain for the Christmas party and had a nice enough time, then left there for the birthday party.

Now, I really like kids, all ages, I really do. I adore them. Individually. In a group they scare me. The little varmits are like dogs - they are pack animals and they all want to be alpha. Nothing cat about a little kid. Thankfully grandson is 12 and super well behaved, didn't worry about him, and just tried to stay out of the others way and read until the ordeal was over.

This "birthday party" business - dozens of kids running around, screaming, screeching, dim light, about 8 things, 15 feet high, with slides, filled with air which hissed every few seconds, another sound that closely mimicked a car horn honking every 60 seconds, and Alvin and the Chipmunks singing something about "Christmas time...." and a dog barking to the tune of "Jingle Bells."

Two hours..........two looooooooooooooong hours. I wanted to put my head in my arms and cry.

I have decided that, despite the fact a 50 year plus person has much more experience and wisdom (theoretically) under their belt, their nerves are worn out, and that is exactly why God saw fit to give children to younger people.

Then, bright idea to take the recycling bags (three large ones that wouldn't fit in the pick-up bin) to the drop off point at the fire station. It was dark by then. I stepped in a deep puddle, slipped and my cell phone fell from my pocket into the puddle. I threw the recyclables into the air, retreived the cell phone and laid it on a paper towel where I thought it might drain the best, disposed of the recyclables and came home to dry the phone out with the hair dryer.

Blackberry acting like a crazed robot from the worst of Sci Fi movies. Sob. I am incognito - stranded - no phone!!!! It still beeps, I know people are trying to reach me, but no can see them or who is calling! Panic!

That led to another cookie binge - oh heavens, I feel like a complete failure today!!!!




Saturday, December 05, 2009

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen...

While South Florida schemes for a rail system to connect two major cities, northwest Florida, the "stepkid" of Florida, skimps on all things including Christmas decorations this year. However, I found the somber mood of downtown the other day rather beautiful in a goth sort of way.

Not much eventful has been happening - I can't seem to get much done. Maybe its Farmtown, dunno. Something tempting about creating a virtual world that is mostly "perfect." No spots on the carpets there - no dust - no litter boxes - a barn that never gets dirty.

Grandson has been here this weekend - don't see him too much, so have enjoyed - much. Today took him for shoes - it was so cold and his toes were coming through the old ones, we got haircuts, ate at Olive Garden, he did his shopping for Christmas at the Dollar Store. I always find it delightful to see what children chose for presents!

I have some projects to do for Christmas and hope to get on top of them so I can make some Kringla - but no more baking than that because I eat it.

"H" home in bed fighting off a bug - probably just really tired. It is a proven fact that cold weather takes more energy, and for us chicken hearted sub tropical peeps it is COLD. I love letting the cold air in at night and snuggling into a warm nest of bed, infared quilt, and lots of pillows and puffy beddings. This morning it was 42 degrees - I forget - Farenheidt or Centigrade - oh dear, how old is THAT!

Hope to get to Mobile this coming week to see my oldest daughter's family. Plans sometimes don't work out!

My decorating is done, I think, except I'm looking for a bargain for a white poinsettia, and perhaps some more bird trimmings for my tree if I can find more bargains - the Dollar Stores are sometimes full of surprises. I found some pretty little white ones on twigs that fit into the tree. Don't know why I'm getting so taken with birds - is it an old age thing? If anyone knows where I can buy a tiny bird sized Santa hat for Nevermore, let me know.

I have a "real" wreath for the door that I'm adding redberries to - and when the door opens and closes, a whiff of fresh pine fills the air for a few minutes anyway!

Have to procure tickets to Nutcracker - always have taken the grandson - Ticketmaster seems to have changed this year and I am having a problem purchasing tickets where we sit together. There HAS to be a way!

That's all - life is comfortably boring - I like it that way.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Pretty Little Things

This is THE tree this year. A houseplant of sorts - some kind of fir that can go to the patio after Christmas. The soldier nutcracker reminds me to pray for soldiers during the holidays. Nevermore has taken his perch on the top so he can keep his eye on the festivities and whatever else is going on in his household.

I had two nice compliments today - haha, they may go to my head, if my head weren't obscured in the first picture post - one said we were a "hot" bunch of ladies. Then, another unrelated person called me "foxy" Alright! "H" and I were out to lunch during Christmas shopping when I picked up the first message and I burst out giggling while reading the post. He said he was flattered that someone thought he had good taste. We laughed a lot - it was nice.

We went Christmas shopping for the girls in the family, found a good underwear sale - never drag a man through the underwear section of Victoria's Secret. He got his present - LOVES Hawaiian shirts (not the cruise through VC) - and Tommy Bahama had a sale like I've never seen - so he's the proud owner of an awesome shirt for his Christmas present and a bargain to boot. (I have a surprise for him - a zebra print comforter set - something with our family - sort of like an "Elvis' jungle room syndrome.") He has a beautiful elephant vase with a tropical plant in it. So, didn't get it all done, but a good start.

I found a mega material store - also has any craft you could imagine and art supplies galore - could have spent a couple days in that store alone. I came home to root through my coupons so I can buy a canvas that is already half price - a fun wide one.

Had our annual Cajun lunch at our favorite place while Cajun Christmas carols played.

Was amazed my back held up although the pain got to a roaring point in the mall - malls are NOT my thing....but actually it wasn't bad today - except for the kiosks that smack of tourist row in a foreign country. Prices seem high in view of the economy, but didn't see many people carrying bags, either.

I hate leaving the house because of anxiety but when I go, its usually great - !!! Tomorrow hope to get some paperwork done, then finish the Leopard Skin Shoes - Christmas present for the daughter who gets to wear sexy shoes....I went through shoe sections in the stores - OH - they are pieces of sculpture - I LOVE the new shoes - wish I could wear them. If I can't I shall paint them.

Well, we have a movie on - going to watch it. I have laid off the popcorn, bought a new scale, and determined to lose some gained pounds - ai yi. The scale is too technical - it's like learning to operate a new cell phone almost.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

All I want for Christmas is an Omar Bactrian Camel....


While wandering Walmart last night in search of that $49 bicycle, I found some wild stuffed animals - baby animals and they came with bottles. Oh my gosh - so soft and cuddly. For a while I became seven years old again. A feeling that is still lingering. Yep, they are on my Christmas list, one anyway. The baby chimpanzee was toooooo cute. I pictured "H" coming home from work and finding me in the recliner bottle feeding a stuffed chimpanzee and hoped no one saw me standing in that aisle giggling.

Yesterday, I decided to go the the auto dealership because my steering has been wobbling and the car has been making high pitched screaming sounds. I had, in my mind, envisioned about a $400 to $600 repair job, IF I were lucky. I prayed, and decided to stay positive.

First, I encountered - " that will be an $80.00 diagnostic fee. " The fee would apply to repair cost. No charge if nothing wrong. I swallowed the urge to get snotty and take the car elsewhere for estimate as I had already been through an argument with "H" who was insisting I take the car to his repair person, who usually takes ten days to two weeks to repair and then it has to be taken back once. Not wanting to be without a vehicle, I did the nasty and went to the "expensive" dealership.

I had another offer from grandson who said to take the car to Pepboys and have the alternator tested, and he would install a new one. I have tried all three of these plans in the past, usually in a cloud of angst, not knowing which way was the "right" way.

After a long wait, the serviceman from the dealership came in and said the steering shaft had a broken clip and the bad sound was from a lack of power steering fluid. I ask him why the clip kept breaking - that had been replaced right after I purchased the car (recall) and then again, by that very dealership last year. And they had also serviced the car several months prior and why was it without power steering fluid already? He disappeared and came back two hours later and said that everything had been fixed, "no charge."

Ok, third time steering has been fixed since purchase of a new car. Oh well, its fixed and I'm out nothing but time, and consternation over driving a car that I felt was going to jump to the oncoming lane at any moment while screaming a high pitched tune.

Reminded me of the Toyota that needed new brake pads every six months.

Lesson learned, follow your own gut, not necessarily what other people think, do it lovingly, and expect the best, and trust that it will turn out for the best. So, I was asked, and what if you had had to pay? Well, then that's what I would have done....may have had to wait to repair - but I would have had it done with much less stress than other incidents like this in my previous life.

And I feel so very thankful that I did not have to pay all those dollars out when Christmas is coming. Perhaps I will use some of the money for an Omar Bactrian Camel or a Meerkat or an Anteater.....or even the Chimpanzee from Walmart....

Friday, November 27, 2009

Life and Loss, Good and Evil


Shaquille ONeal is a sweetheart - in response to news of the death of a five year old girl, sold into white slavery, subsequently prostituted and murdered, he paid for her funeral.
Another sad story - these things hurt my heart so much.....and make me wonder about the meaning of life despite my faith.
The child was sold or traded for drugs according to one news story, by her mother. I don't understand how a mother could do such things to her child. Another day in which I don't like the world.
Well, I'm going to Walmart to return videos and come home and do art. It's actually cold here, am going to turn on the furnace! Er - cold by my definition. I am also cold because I am being very careful of what I eat and the chills indicate a need for carbs - but I will conquer this demon screaming in my head...."eat pie, eat cookies, eeeeeaaaaat!" Finally returning to exercise after the flu bout. Was invited to see a film at a friend's house - but I'm soooo cold and its dark and I want to run home, put the rest of my groceries away and ........
Judging from the amount of pain I still experience from time to time, I really need to stick to the plan of getting the rest of the weight off - it's made a huge difference. I know its bad when I'm looking at the Christmas ads and a purple walker with a seat and basket jumps on my "like" list. I'm the woman who refused to ride the carts in Walmart when I could barely walk when my back was so bad and I'm looking at a walker.....but it was purple.
That must have been why.
"H" is worried about my yearning for a bicycle - he thinks I could be accident prone and it isn't a good idea to go bike riding when you're 64. My medicare card arrived. I am stunned. Not sure how that happened (getting this old). My brain isn't old, my mind isn't old. And actually, compared to many my age, my body is not that old either. It's all a piece of paper. Er.........
I spent the entire afternoon at the car dealership - my car was very sick, last night it was screaming - I was scared, seeing big monies flying away when I need to buy Christmas presents. The bill was to be minimum $260.00 - turns out it was a defect that they have attempted to fix twice prior, and they charged me nothing - not even the $80.00 diagnostic fee. Yes! There is good in the world.
Thanksgiving was good - time with family was good.
Oh, rats - I see from the preview that I need to enter code to get paragraphs, but I must return those videos so I'm going to be lazy. Sorry.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Day Before Thanksgiving







Despite being totally exhausted, "H" (for hubby) and I went shopping for a tree - decided I wanted a "real" one this year. However, we were quite taken by the lighted palm tree, but not the price. For an insane moment we considered it, but decided that kind of money would be better put somewhere else, but still.....we would have left it up all year round, it was a magnificent palm and rather cheeky. It badly needed its branches adjusted, but "H" drew the line at me climbing up on the display to "fix" them.

My oil pastels arrived - they are like perfect chocolate - creamy and easily blended - and fine jewelry could not come in a more pretty box. Now, I need to see if I can fix the mess I made of "Leopard Skin Shoes."

My kitties - they are driving me nuts - I need to arrange some play dates or something for them, they are at my feet or my side at all times. Aren't cats supposed to be independent?

Then, I walked the edges of the swamp yesterday for just a while - the days have been so beautiful and a wide range of wild flowers were blooming - however the mist and my camera phone weren't cooperating - I lust, lust after a super camera.

Next, Happy Thanksgiving for those who are celebrating tomorrow - and if not celebrating - everyone have a super rest of week.

I'm cooking this afternoon (I think) - part of it done yesterday, then tomorrow we are going to younger daughter's house - where her "H" will do most of cooking (oh, yay, he is proving to be quite a good cook) and my oldest daughter will come with older grandkids - and we hopefully, if our physical condition allows us - will hit "Black Friday" somewhat - I want to get my oldest daughter some sexy boots for Christmas, have already bought youngest daughter and family presents - the older grandkids I'm getting them some prepaid charge cards and small trinkets to open - -

The tree - we bought a 4 foot fir tree - a houseplant which in Florida will also grow nicely on the patio. Environmentally friendly - now to get a still tired "H" to get decorations out of garage when he gets off work - maybe I can ply him with food......

Finally fixed the paragraph problem with some html code - nice to know the blogspot will now take html codes!!! I'll have to dig the recesses of my memory, might be able to have some fun with that!


Monday, November 23, 2009

Nevermore II

Nevermore II will soon be leaving for a European Holiday.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

New Drawing/painting....

Thinking of doing this for Milla -at first was going to do the bird looking back at the tree, but then the whole scene with the bent paper and tree looked intriguing to me...sooooo

Ha, would you believe the picture post isn't working - I'm out here alive - will post more later when the photo thing is working....tomorrow....and will visit everyone. I have to get up early and take Grandson to school.............

Till Monday.....

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Maw and Paw

It's been a busy busy time - had company from Wyoming - they purchased their winter home....etc., etc. All done. They'll be back after Christmas till the worst of the Wyoming winter is over and they will then return up there.

This week grandson had a choir presentation and also a band concert. They were both quite good. It has been amazing to watch him pick up an instrument in September and play various songs in November and in "concert" with 100 other instruments.

Then I was drawing on Weds. nights with some friends, but pulled out of that as a busy holiday season is here . . . I have enough sketches of nudes that I can continue to build on, however.

We made an art room in the study with a paint cloth on the floor to protect the carpet and made the cats mad....haha, I think I shall cover the furniture in retro paint cloth and make a table cloth now that I have found something that cats avoid....can break all their nasty habits of dropping hair where it shouldn't be dropped.

Plus I had the flu, hurt myself in the toe and burned my hand and arm.....

"H" working long hours - tired all the time. I've been aching - don't know if it is from cold air (yes, yes, it's not REALLY cold down here) - or arthritis or WHAT! I thought I had lost a couple more discs in my neck but pain is abating some. I'm tired too since the flu. Guess some of my younger friends are dragging too - perhaps its the times we're living in - things changing so quickly, violence escalating - prices shooting out of control - feeding the kids - parents sick - political fights abound - we are told our country is broke, but then money seems to come out of nowhere for crazy things........

We were talking about maybe going to New Orleans for a weekend to see the Christmas lights, etc....my daughter is going this weekend for an Emily Autumn concert (Victorian Techno???) - maybe they can tell us if the trip will be worth taking - the whole face of New Orleans changed after Katrina....if not, perhaps can slip away to some quiet romantic place on the beach...."H" says he doesn't want to eat out - so what else is there? We could put on winter coats and have a long walk on the winter beach......OR CLEAN THE GARAGE.....

Having fun Christmas shopping - its easy this year - except the eternal clash between me wanting things done way ahead of time, and "H" wanting to wait until last minute....that is sort of throwing a "clink" into what could be a well oiled machine......

Thanksgiving with family this coming week -

Today some little girls came to my door with two absolutely adorable dogs - the dogs have been running the neighborhood obviously lost. Of course they sniffed me, decided to come on in and make themselves as home, ignoring the cats. OOOOOhhhh, I wanted to keep them - a gorgeous, dignified red dog - maybe a lab? and a smaller curly dog - a cockapoo? Well mannered and responded to voice commands - oh "H" would have shot me - and I really couldn't afford doggy vet bills since vets cost as much as neurologists (human ones!) anymore. But so sad, the beautiful things deserved better. Now, I will wonder what happened to them.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Rocky winter

Been kind of "out of it" for a few days, a week, more. October a hard month, November too - although I did good, and only had one day of really hard crying. But I give myself that - sometimes we just miss someone so much, that we have to let it out. And I've had new pain radiating from my neck and its been a bear to deal with. So that's where I've been. And addicted to Farmtown, and quicky FB posts.

Had to post pic of my home state, since I was lost in revery for a while. My mother sent me a couple of boxes of "stuff" from Wyo that contained son's drawings, some writing, some art prep materials, etc., etc., pics of kids, my grandma who is no longer with us, and newspaper clips of my oldest daughter who won "Player of the Year" in Wyoming and "Best All Around Athlete" - these were state level awards and who now lives with chronic crippling pain. Being a young athlete takes its toll.

A pic of my grandma in front of a Thanksgiving bird - she always insisted I set the turkey on the table whole and not cut up. I smiled looking at the photo - she was so old and shrunken up, the turkey was as big as her - but she had a huge smile plastered on her face.

My baby book with 8 of my teeth taped into it, and locks of my hair. That's over 60 years ago - didn't realize paper lasted that long - till now. Oh - just joking on that!

It's cold here now....brrrr. Down to the 60's.

So, its been an odd period of weeks here - - - I want to come back to Blogspot and be creative.....need to know what all of you are up to and what is going on in your lives too!

Daugher going to concert with Emily Autumn in New Orleans this weekend - so I have grandson then, yippee! Perhaps I will take him to the new disaster movie - 2012 - I went the other day - if one is an adrenalin junkie, I would recommend it - not bad for a diaster movie. Rather unsettling actually.

Christmas shopping already - woo hoo - I love this zany month - I even have my fake holly all around the room partition to the kitchen.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Fall Reflections

Whew, the storm is over, the sun is shining - but only on the outside. I think the reason I don't like fall is because of the sadness that comes. I made it through the anniversary of my son's death yesterday, but today I have been weeping buckets and more buckets. Not only that, but looking at old pictures of my kids and I miss them, I miss them so much. The girls are still here as adults, but ....well, I miss them.....the trucks, the dolls, the basketball games, the school projects - making sure they had warm winter clothes for when the hard Wyoming winter came - just having them with me. I miss them so much today.

Will let myself grieve a little while longer, then suck it up and get with today, and put the past back neatly into a box - label it, "The Past." Going through a box my mother sent - with my son's drawings, writings - even my report cards from grade school, my baby book, family photos, oh dear. And I wonder if they will go to a trash can somewhere when I am gone.

Today I realize how old I am. There is no path as I walk down the end of life, not that its the end - if I went by my female ancestors - I have another 30 years, LOL!! But also a package came from an attorney with all my medical records, and I realize I could also make that end journey at any time. But that is true for all of us, we are living in violent times.

I remember all the angst and drama of youth, of my twenties, thirties, and forties. And it gives me more patience with my daughters. Photos of an ex husband and my poor dark face - that one was a BIG mistake. But it took me to a place where the fall was wonderful - my kids and I would wander the woods and the pumpkin patches and I would can and work with food while they played in mountains of colored leaves - fall in Iowa is an awesome spectacle. We would carve pumpkins and we would make bonfires and roast marshmallows over the burning piles of leaves. The neighbors thought I was quite nuts - and perhaps I was - maybe. I was so poor - I would take my son to the mall, and he loved cheese - we would go to the cheese store - he always liked to do that even though we could only afford one pound of cheese - he could choose the kind he wanted after tasting through the different ones.

Ok, 'nuff of this. Going to go get on my elliptical, try to get in the mood for drawing tonight - and think about THIS Thanksgiving and what I have NOW to be thankful for.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Flying Pumpkin Pie and Turkey?

I can't believe this - almost mid November and Hurricane Watch out there in the Gulf? Noooooooooooooooooo

http://www.nola.com/hurricane/index.ssf/2009/11/grand_isle_louisiana_coast_und.html

Looks like it might hit Louisiana coast - if so, we'll still get some fallout.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Extraordinary Super Cat Massage Therapist

video

Company has gone home - I've cleaned my lair and it is inviting me to come.....relax.......sleep

A few days back I heard a very loud pop in my neck and then a couple days later another.....and I have had some serious pain in my shoulder down into my arm - don't like how it feels, too similar to the one leading to surgery in the neck, I sure hope it's just something like sleeping crooked as they say, I hope I hope. In the mean time, I have this compassionate helper......never mind he has the wrong arm - his heart is in it. What does it mean when they drool during a massage? Deep concentration? Obviously, it really wore him out.

Hope to get back to normal routines tomorrow! Grandson came to visit today - we had a very quiet laid back day - although I wanted to go to the Greater Gulf Coast Arts Festival. But it was a good day.

Well, I just asked "H" if he wanted to watch "Madea goes to Jail." "Uhhhhneyehhhhh. " I reply, "Is that a yes or a no?" "Oh, if YOU want to." If I want to what? I think it means, "No, don't you know that football is on again tonight?" I think. Not sure. Not like there is not three TV's in the house - heck, I'm going to watch Madea, if he doesn't want to, he can go do the foooooootbaw! After 30 years I am starting to understand a little bit what Unneyeh means.

Eeeehaw! I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. I could not sleep last night - no matter which way I laid, I could not get out of pain. My friend left me some anti-inflammatories - will try one of those!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

A Hard Day's Night

Here I am hunkered up in my grandson's bunkbed with computer, hiding from football racket on TV. It wouldn't be bad, but it goes all day on into the night. I change it to my channel, leave room and its changed back to guest's channel. I turn off, walk away, its turned back on.

When alone, I have had the TV mostly off all the time except for a few choice shows when I am in my solitude. "H" is very happy, of course, to have male company to watch football with, in the living room at that! Bigger screen than is in male lair.

I might get attached to bunkbed lair. I've decided to put a poster on the bottom of the top bunk. And install a clip on light for reading. :) No TV here - but a hook up for video games on a screen.
I was going to move into "H's" lair for a week, but he looked at me with dazed eyes and said it was impossible to clean it up. Also he does not like to sleep with the lights out or the TV off, and I can't sleep with the TV and lights on. So I told him I would not be in his male quarters. Too much work, too little sleep. He concurred! I noticed it was also impossible for him to clean his bathroom up. So I dove in that room with disinfectant in one hand and papertowels in the other. Then settled into grandson's guest room. I gave the guests the master bedroom because they were looking at the air flight from Hades from our town to Wyoming, then a long at least three day drive to West Virginia. Like us, they ain't no spring chickens. (For the unintiated to country folk in the U.S. - it means they are getting, not old, but ripened, like us.)

Friends found second home (small mobile home) in a very beautiful area 25 minutes from here. They fell totally in love with the area. Papers signed already and they have their utilities all on except one. But they are still here at Casa ? Then they will go home Sat., drive to West Virginia to clean out his house, back to Wyoming, then down here after Christmas to spend winter.

I was supposed to show a water machine today, but "H" lost my demo equipment somewhere in the garage and swears he never saw it before. I am trying not to be short tempered. I am so overwhelmed with my stuff being lost so much of the time and it being physically impossible for me to lift boxes to search for it. Not a good way to run business.

Spent today resting after running guests ALL OVER the place for two days.

Still stressed out over my grandson's predicament. Can't help it I don't think - I am hardwired to think I should save the world, most especially grandkidz. Send good energy and/or prayers that he can stay the weekend so he can kick back and relax!

He is texting me about his injured tailbone now - must sign off.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Update

Happy Halloween to those who celebrate it. I love birds - these are so pretty! I have been begging Chuck for a parrot, but poor sport - he says no. Like all I need is something, somebody else to take care of.


I'm not even turning on the porch light tonight - I feel bad about it, I love seeing the kids and their costumes, but company is coming from Wyoming, in fact, I'm about to go out to airport and get them. I think they are bringing shorts - and the temperature suddenly dropped today - ooops. Lots of sales now so it shouldn't be a problem, but I'll hear about it I'm sure.


Sorry, I haven't been visiting blogs as often as I would like, the days are flying by. I can't seem to make it through one either, without a lengthy nap. I don't know what kind of flu hit me, but it has left me exhausted and run down feeling. And, I've been eating sugar which is like poison for me - but it tastes sooooo good - those little super sweet candy corns!
My company wants me to accompany them on their runs around this area looking for houses, but I would fall out - can't do it. I found one area here with low cost housing in a really beautiful place, but I just can't travel much further than that, right now anyway. So anyway, hope we all have a good time while they are here. At least my house is mostly clean!!! Mostly.
So, please everyone, have a safe Halloween - and now we can look forward to turkey day - I think Canada has had Thanksgiving already, hasn't it? Then, Christmas. Wow. Scary soon.

Still working on the shoes - decided they needed an anchor in that space. Also have committed to a drawing for someone, and a painting as a gift. But I'm moving along on the art pretty well, not stagnant like I was.

Ok - time to depart for airport - hope to get to all of you very, very soon.......
Darn, they still haven't fixed the paragraph problem - next post I will see if it will take the

code.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Leopard Skin Shoes



Aren't these chalks pretty? The colors are full of light and vibrant. I think the Leopard Skin Shoes are mostly done. A bit of shading is all that's left and I'm going directly there as soon as I finish this post.
Wyoming friends are coming for sure starting next Sunday and will leave the following Saturday. I hope they find the property that will make them happy so they will have a place to escape the Wyoming winters. My mother tells me that three feet of snow was supposed to start last night and they are also expecting 70 mph winds. I could not live in that. I remember being so cold out there that my toes were blue.
Last night had pitas stuffed with a a vegetable salad mixture - today going to make curried vegetables. I'm the only person I know that can be sick with the flu for a month and gain nine pounds, but I did. Gotta get it off before it becomes 20.
The burn on right hand is healed up, I am able to get a shoe on the foot with the cut up toe, and the large burn on the arm is healing up nicely. Last night I dropped my super sharp serrated knife on my foot - thankfully the handle hit first. I'm thinking I need to go shopping for a pair of steel toed boots and fireproof gloves to cook in.
Going to the easel now, after getting dressed!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

BFF

One of my best friends from Wyoming is thinking of getting a place in which to "winter" down here. She'll be coming to look at properties next week. I'm not going to get too excited yet. The story of our friendship is pretty amazing.

While we were driving around looking for a good area for them, I noticed the camellias are blooming. They'll bloom up to January, maybe through January. Red ones, white ones....pink ones.

Other news - grandson is doing very well on the clarinet. I love hearing him play.

Foot is healing - the glue has rolled off about five days early, the burns seem to be healing. Haven't quite regained all of preflu strength. Lots to do before company gets here - and I am on an eating binge that I HAVE to cut off immediately! Ever since the flu, wonder what that is all about. Doesn't matter, just need to get back into control.

Weather is cool - 68 degrees.

Ready for bed.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

To Be or Not to Be

Thanksgiving is coming! I want to go to Atmore to the Indian celebration, as does oldest daughter. No one else does. I think it would be fun - could have a traditional dinner anytime. Who says food is Thanksgiving?

Speaking of food: For some time, I've been thinking about going vegetarian, maybe even vegan. Lots of reasons - I love animals, birds, fish - praying mantis (no I don't eat those) - but my conscience bothers me soooo
And I worry about bacteria, hormones that I don't choose with my doctor's input, if growth hormone is illegal for me, (even though proven to cure things like Crohns, to rebuild bones, etc., etc.) why would I eat it vicariously in unmeasured dosages through my beef?
It's a contribution for me to "Go Green." I'm 3/4 of the way there, I don't eat beef, I think I ate it once in the last 8 months, or pork. Just chicken and fish. So I'm 3/4 there.
And I have about 20 more pounds to shed!!!
Problems - "H" is avid meat eater. But then we've always eaten differently from one another anyway. I feel as this would also be a commitment to go organic, or mostly organic because its also for health reasons - and its more expensive. I LOVE turkey. And fish tacos. I can't eat pasta - it converts to fat almost immediately. Well, I can eat it 1/2 cup at a time, but what joy is in only 1/2 cup?
Finding lots of wonderful recipes on line - I added some vegetarian blogs to the food portion on the lists on the left.
So, yeh, off on another tangent. Having a ball though.
The glue is holding the toe together it appears - didn't go to draw the model tonight - worried about charcoal dust in my burns - but next week, I'm on again.
Well, time to watch Cougar Town - its hilarious.

The Season of the Clutz

Americans have a saying - if we keep having accidents, we're "clutzy." My accident log for the last month:

1. After dark, fall down in street by car door. Struggle to get up, leg won't work. Grandson, who is with me - freaking and trying to stand in front of traffic and stop vehicles bearing down in same lane where I lie, struggling to get up. Assign him duty to stand on sidewalk, turn on cell phone and flash light at traffic. Gives him something to do and keeps him from getting run over, better me than him! Finally crawl around car to curb. I don't understand why someone doesn't pull over and help an ol' lady up.

Two days later I read in the paper, an older than me woman, was hit by a car in the same area, and dragged for some time and left in a parking lot to die. She lived, but isn't in very good shape.

2. Grab pan on stove with bare hand. Thumb burned. Is at the point all the skin has peeled off and it's icky. Now I have to wait until healed in order to draw again.

3. Pull cookies out of oven and scrape arm along top rack of 375 degree oven. Wound similar to photo above.

4. Drop heavy can on foot, split big toe open. Drive 3 hours looking for a doctor who will see me. My own physician's chant, "Go to Walk-in Clinic" or "Go to ER." ER costs $150 to cross their threshold. Walk-in Clinic made the lst step in medical mistake that nearly cost me my life, then risk department harrassed me for some time after mistake was discovered, very intimidating (guess they thought I might sue - not, was too busy trying to live), so I definitely will not go there again, EVER.

Then, even with insurance, they want $$$$$ up front before they will see you.

After the third clinic turned me away, I was about to go home and just put foot in plastic bag to catch blood, and hope it stopped eventually, when fourth clinic I walked into said they would take me in. After about 4 hours. They glued my toe shut - this is a new process to me - after insisting that I have xrays. A side note, apparently the man who invented flesh glue, also invented Super Glue. So the nurse tells me.

The reason the other doctors would not take me, they tell me, is that they did not have xray equipment.

Seems like the "new medicine" people will not just sew up a wound - first, must x-ray. If broken bone, then refer to orthopedist for more xray and outpatient surgery. Being conspiracy minded, I suspect it is all a play for money. I have been sewed up many a time, and merrily gone my way to heal up just fine. But this is 2009. This is today. The day of the super germ and massive infections so, they say, these procedures. I have a flash back to when "H" had hand surgery and ended up off work for months as he acquired a hospital staph infection.

"Just sew the thing up, already," I impatiently say.

It's not broken, they "think" after they read the xray. So they glue it shut.

During that time, we have been gone from home for seven hours looking for medical care, and then waiting in the clinic, so we are hungry. "H" has gone out for sushi and brings it back to clinic. Hey, pretty strange as we eat sushi in the doctor's office while people are coughing and hacking over our shoulders. Flu season is in full swing. I see an older couple that is requesting a vaccine, being turned away as the clinic does not have any flu vaccine.

Soooo - Finally, we leave, go to pick up grandson as youngest daughter is at doctor, herself. We go home, I prepare a salad for supper before obeying instructions to stay off foot. After supper, finally fall asleep, wake up at 1:30 a.m., and covering they put on foot is lost in bed, the tape splint has adhered to the wound and directions specifically state, DO NOT PUT TAPE OVER WOUND ADHESIVE. OK, now what.

At least I also got a prescription for the burns as they notice the arm and tell me the arm will soon start sloughing skin, and I should have a prescription for it. Ok, thank you, I tell them.

"H" takes me home, I am apologizing because I know he has little patience with anything to do with medical and we had planned a day of fun, not this. Especially a day that is wearing on into ten hours in traffic and clinics. He swears he's ok, but I notice he is getting grumpier and grumpier. It's his only day off this week. I am mad at myself again for not being perfect. Oi, far from it.

The sore places from the fall have healed. I just began to exercise again today. Now I am down again for three days. I will miss our drawing session tomorrow....

My Maggie (daughter) was rear-ended yesterday at a stop-light and they discovered several bulging discs in her neck. She is discouraged.

I just pray October gets over with soon.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Now, where are we from, REALLY?

My oldest daughter and I have a standing joke about me looking like a Pakistani woman when I was young, albiet a very tall one. She also has a long nose and olive skin. I was also a middle eastern man magnet, so figure. A few years back, I had a 5'4" Egyptian wanting me to meet him at Disneyworld. Go figure. Again. NOT.

Anyway, most recent text from daughter is humorous enough (to me) to post - so here it is - to make a long story short, she is going through some financial difficulties and has done a lot of phone calls for me, which stress me out way too much. I told her, "thank you, thank you sooooo much for taking care of me." "You can come live with me and help me."

Her reply: "My qualifications r running hot baths braiding hair cooking curry and providing redbox horror movies and speciality pushy calls to moronic people or companies."

I reply with a private joke over a recent ad in the paper for a combo nanny and office assistant that spoke two languages for $12.00 an hour: "PERFECT! Skills very much in need except we don't have much hair. " "But I am shooting for modified dreads because I'm tired of washing my hair." "Only I wish you could speak Swahili with a little bit of Urdu thrown in for good measure."

Hopefully you aren't looking at the letters blankly and thinking I'm really nuts this time.

Exhausted all day and in pain, tonight I'm HYPER! Woo hoooo. Popcorn and spooky movies all night!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Finished!




Had to take a break from sorting - oh my gosh - and more sorting and shredding. I even found my cholesterol results from 1999, LOL. I am determined to bring 5 files drawers down to 2.
Sooooo - I am very weary of all that paperwork. I shredded a huge job search file, and wouldn't you know it, the very next day I had need to go back and find some dates that were in it.
As a break, and because I promised to donate a drawing to a "Save the Brilliant Bean" auction, I finished three charcoals. I think I have about 7 paintings to finish, and a pastel painting of a pair of leopard shoes. Well, I'll do it. In process of converting study to studio, hooray.
Can't decide which drawing to donate. I think the apples. I goofed on Nevermore - a composition thing. And if I were to do "House Fire" (the one with the dog) over I would change composition on it too. This was done from a photo in the newspaper of a man whose house had burned down - he lost four of his five dogs, but was able to rescue this one.
Tonight a very small group of artists, including me, went together and hired a model, so we will be doing live drawing! Looking forward to it....
Think the flu is gone - busted, except for tiredness - oh, I am tired after three or four hours. Going to nap now.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Back to the Land of the Living

video

Have been a bit delinquent posting and commenting. Partially because of frustration with Blogger and partly because of being under the weather with the flu. The last three days, I've been up more and more. I'm the only person I know that would have the flu for three weeks and gain weight.

I know I'm better because instead of sleeping all the time, I am awake at night - the long sleeps felt really good, super good, and I have been leisurely sleeping through the night - and most of the days.

The cat is better and itching to go outside again. I'm trying to keep him in, but he is absolutely crazy when he can't go out.

This video is from the demo at the art party before the sick came back around and hit me second round a bit worse.

Getting excited - I'm going to work with a few other artists once a week - we all pitched in some $ to have a live artist's model contracted for a month or two.

Too much allergy inducing stuff in the air to do any yard work, even if I felt like it - but fall preparations are calling loudly, maybe soon.

Ah - the drowsiness approaches.....

Not much new - the weather has cooled down to between 75 and 85 degree centigrade.

Cleaning out the study to make it into a studio.....hope it isn't dragged out forever!!!!

Thursday, October 08, 2009

How much does it cost to play shoot at the moon?

What could the leaders of the country possibly be thinking? Crashing into the moon to see if it has water when many U.S. States have 10% plus unemployment rates, when 42% of the world has decent drinking water, leaving the rest of the world to cope with water borne illnesses that are the major killers of people?

Are they going to ship clean water from the moon to undeveloped nations? Will this water cure sick people? Will we be able once again to put Halliburton to work in building a interspace water pipeline? In the meantime kids go without school books because there is no money to buy any. People here go hungry and go without medical care.

Does NASA employ 12 year old boys who have not had to live out on their own in the real world? Having a grandson this age, I realize bombing things like planets is part of play, but who is working at NASA? Who gives the ultimate ok to spend billions on something like this? I don't understand. I loved this quote from someone on the net, among hundreds of others, from people who are just shaking their heads and wondering how they will pay their tax bills come March 2010.

Well, never mind the quote, blogger won't post paste and copy material anymore - or else I suddenly had a blank place in my brain and can't retrieve how one performs the procedure.

Ah - here's a link - maybe that feature will perform tonight.....let's see...it's very tongue in cheek and funny. Sort of funny. If we weren't going without to pay for NASA's play time.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Update

Not much going on. Feeling a bit better, but have a way to go yet, so much fatigue - (sure now because of that, it is bronchitis) - so have to nap a lot. Lucky I can, yes?

Did start a project in the study - a convert to studio project. Candy Minx, you a worth a million, billion, gazillion dollars and more........

Kitty Kat much better!

I was going to load up a video - but Blogger takes forever even for a 2 minute video and sometimes is unable to complete it. So that's out - just a short update is all this is.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Fuzzy Troubles


Mr. Psycho, poor dear, looked up at me and I noticed an egg sized (large egg) swelling on the side of his face. That was Thursday, he had an appointment Friday and by then was really in bad shape. He was definitely in distress, pain, shaking his head and his leg. He had an abscess of unknown origin and had to have surgery for drainage and a shunt put in as well as a course of antibiotics.
Truthfully, I suspected Big Mama, aka Ms. Meowie of foul play. She is soooo bossy, pushing him around all the time - she could have bopped him. She guards my bedroom and won't let the poor boy in, although its odd, I think she knows he's a walking wounded and she let him in for a nap with me today. She often herds him away from the area where I feed them. I always make sure he gets to eat, he's a nice meaty 12 pound cat...so he's ok there. Multiple cat houses present their problems.
Anyway, he's home from vet and overnight stay, sleeping a lot, but also occasionally begging to go outside - silly boy.....NOT! The brats have been expensive this month - flea meds - and as soon as his infection is gone, they both need their vaccination updates. Silly me, I was just begging "H" to get me another Maine Coon, a rescued one - must have temporarily lost my mind.
"H" has gone up to see if he can give grandson some relief from "chores" and pressures and maybe we can take him to dinner.
I keep sleeping, sleeping, sleeping - I think my lungs are perceptibly better, now if sinuses will heal! I've tried the pot of steaming mustard water.....woo hoo - like inhaling sushi, wasabi fumes that is!

Friday, October 02, 2009


How nice! We can now size photos on blogspot. I just can't find the delete feature. I don't like the most recent "tweaking" of the program. Oh well, they didn't ask me anyway.
Saturday will be week two of this virus/whatever. I've been getting up with the sunrise, and living life in a series of naps. I have all kinds of engagements to be at this weekend, not sure if I'll make it to any, we'll see. Not only am I extremely low on energy, but the sinus infection portion of the illness lingers on. I do not want to make anyone else sick by going to events where there is close contact, food, etc.
This weird lifestyle is kind of fun, but at heart I'm a regular hours kind of person, so I suppose I will be switching back to 10 or 11 bedtime soon and arising around 6 or 7 a.m. in order to get something done in the day time.
The weather has tipped cool enough to go walking in the a.m. "H" is content to sleep until its time to go to work - so the plan is, as soon as I am well, to find some new, safe, walking paths and enjoy the sunrise with or without a companion. I hate exercise, but then when I can't do it, I long to get back to it. At these times I wish I had a dog that was protective. Recently, at any time, a protective dog would have been nice.
The times are gone when I will go to isolated areas by myself. This is not a walking conducive town - many people get run over and killed here - just walking and minding their own business.
I was surprised - even a "backward" state like Wyoming seems to have lots of walking paths placed in pretty areas - there is a new gym around the corner - but expensive. The economical one is across town so have to add gas to a membership. I resist giving someone access to my bank account for "monthly" fees - been there and done that and these deals are just about impossible to get out of. I think I need to invent some ideas that would make the elliptical less boring. It's safe, dry, maximum output for time invested - but yes, boring. And, after the huge, muggy summer, I crave fresh air. Would love to open wide the windows and let fresh air in.
One window is covered in a mass of rotting vegetation. I keep wanting to go pull the vines down but thinking a lot of fungus in the sinus and lungs right now is probably not a good idea.....everything needs its fall fertilization, the lawn, the palms, the trees. I need to do stuff that includes inhaling puffs of "stuff" into my lungs. My 83 year old mother that had the recent hip operation is out digging, pulling, preparing for winter - I can't fathom 35 degree weather yet, but know it happening! I wish I had her constitution. She's rarely ill. She's still convinced that death is imminently close - go figure.
I had better get moving, cleaned up, etc....art lessons, trip to vet, to store for still life materials - make art area presentable.....find cat cage......gallery show tonight. I miss grandson something awful - - perhaps he'll be able to come for short visit tomorrow - will have snacks ready -
I think I will go up to the store and get some pumpkins and maybe corn - have someone coming for art lessons - would make a great still life for charcoal. Probably shouldn't be inhaling that either - don't know whether to call the doctor again for another antibiotic or just let it wear itself out. Its obviously a penicillin resistant bacteria, if indeed its a bacteria. My doctor prescribes through messages sent to his office help. Oh, I forgot - Psycho's baseball growth is back on the side of his face - I will try to get him to vet this today - I have to! I wonder maybe if she would check my sinuses? If he is getting abscesses from Big Mama bopping him, I have a bigger problem.
Notices she's getting even overprotective of my bed - she was trying to butt "H" out last night! Just got rid of a freak who wants to run my house - now a cat? Do I look like a "pansy?" A pushover? Don't answer that.