Saturday, April 05, 2008

Early Friday a.m. befor a Happy, Happy Weekend.

Have a great weekend everyone.

I'm back to the ballfield.

Still trying to quit thinking negative/uncontrolled thoughts.

Trying to stop wondering if the mental states of people around me are a by product of tap water filled with prescription med residue.

Why? Why? Why? It just is.

I think I need a program - Al Anon?

There is squeaking in my walls. Are the mice having sex? (I only want to know, because baby mice will be a problem.) I am not kinky. Well, a little, maybe.

I let the cat in when she started tearing the screen off. I had to let Psycho out last night because he was all over the counters, the stove, the sinks, but he didn't come in with the screen tearer. Is he ok?

My back has felt reasonable for two days. And the vegetables are planted. Cucumber, 3 different types of peppers, tomato, thyme, basil, and catnip..........catnip probably will have a difficult time surviving - it attracts cats (no duh), cats that roll in it and bite off the new shoots. Maybe I should chew it?

My tooth hurts - I need to see the dentist - drat, I know I'm looking at half a grand with it.

I ate chocolate yesterday, last night. It was good.

I yelled at the boy because he is beginning to refuse to mind me and will have to go back to school without his assignments done because he is refusing to do them.

I slam the door to "H's" bedroom cave because he will not participate in life. That is, anyone else's life.

I regret both.

Toller's book is not for me. I've spent days trying to get through it, and he is just on a different planet than I am. I continue with my fasting from negative thoughts devotions, trying, trying, trying. I can't do it myself, I need God's help. There I differ from Toller. I am not God. Knowledge does not free me - I agree that is the first step, knowing that we need to change and what we need to change, but then we humans fool ourselves - and I think that is what Toller refers to as Ego, and the followers of Christ refer to as the "flesh" or "fallen man." I still have to rely on God to show me what I need to change because there are things in myself that I lie (or don't realistically see) to myself about. And for me, only a supernatural power (God) working within me frees me, enables me to change. But I am not God. So, I leave ascended consciousness or whatever it is to Toller and seek to become more Christ-like, or Christ filled. I yearn that "I would decrease so He could increase in me." I believe God wants the "I" to be very present or it wouldn't be there in the first place, but to have the "I" subdued and yoked with God. That way we could do ANYTHING, even replace fear with faith.

It's now 5:30 a.m. and Psycho is home and it is 73 degrees outside. I will pack the swimsuits and towels with the baseball gear - we'll go eat at the Shrimp Basket and at least walk the beach and splash a bit today - I bet it will reach at least 80 degrees. I love you, sunshine.

Missions conference is this weekend, a Nepalese friend will be here and I can find out what is happening in Nepal as well as Tibet from the people's point of view. I will see my beautiful friend from Kenya who has orphanages for street kids. I just received photos of 29 new kids coming in. I check my budget to see if I can get out the ridiculously low amount it takes to support one for a year and allow them to go to school. I will see my friend who is a medical missionary in the jungles of Nicaragua. I will cry when 100 people march through the church carrying flags high in the air from as many nations.

It will be a good weekend, one in which I am thankful for the gift of being alive, for sunshine, for the boy, for a beautiful, if a bit small, home, for dirt and plants, and grass, for little boys and girls playing baseball, for left over pot roast, even for the challenge of getting the clothes washed and dried without bending over and starting a war with pinched nerves. Yeh!


Wandering Coyote said...

Have a great weekend.

I've been hearing so much about this Tolle book, and you are the first person I've read who's not liked it. Ever read The Four Agreements? I recommend it.

I just read your post about the crazy uncle and the cougar! Good God! That's unbelievable! I mean, I love bears, but I know when to run!

Gardenia said...

I will try reading the Four Agreements, it might clarify this book!

Well, W.C. when one grows up in a dysfunctional family, one swears they will have a normal life when they reach adulthood. The next question that comes, "What is normal?" That isn't one of the classes taught in high school. Should be though. Don't think uncle ever made it threw though - family legend has it that he ran away to be on his own at 14.

He turned out to be a recognized artist - a very excellent one. Odd that someone so destructive could turn around and create such beauty.

Milla said...

Happy week-end to you too, Gardenia. And Coyote!

Saturday today; have been doing food shopping and cooking as tomorrow I have friends coming for lunch and...wish them luck! I am doing ALL the cooking :-)

P.S. I have never heard of the Tolle book. I'll try and check it out.

Cherie said...

"I will cry when 100 people march through the church carrying flags high in the air from as many nations."

I do the same thing, Gardenia.

Very full post here.

"I still have to rely on God to show me what I need to change because there are things in myself that I lie (or don't realistically see) to myself about." Yes. Me too. A true thing you stated here and in the entire paragraph.

The photo of folks swimming in the surf undoes me! How I long for it.