Wednesday, June 04, 2008
The Road of Self Discovery
Frida Kahlo, one of my favorite painters - so full of pain, yet determined to live. Mysterious, but shockingly revealing and honest.
Do we ever find ourselves? No, we just keep looking, but we find a bit here, a piece there, we find the glue, and we find hope and knowledge and God and the joy of discovery, the joy of becoming, the joy of life on the path(s) we walk. We just need to be looking, that's all.
I had the procedure today - about five injections along my spine. It was creepy - I was scared, but the doctor was so sweet - greeted me with "I want to be in Wyoming fishing the Shoshone." I wish he could go there soon. The shots went splendidly, but I woke up bat-wacky and when I tried to stand up, my legs were - gone. Scared? You betcha - since I had to sign a paper stating that I understood paralysis was a possible side effect. Well, the drug that made me so very sick in a few moments after wakeup only bought the immediate to mind, "Gee, I can't stand up." They hustled me back to the table and I then couldn't breathe, wanted to barf badly, and was mulling over the meaning of "I can't stand up, my ass and on down are paralyzed.
After some wonderful medical adjustments from the recovery room nurse who was fabulous, my tummy settled, air came back to my lungs, and gradually I could move my legs - an extra long recovery ensued, my butt was the last to thaw out so it was kind of humorous in way, and then I was better than when I went in.
So, now home with instructions to not lift for two weeks anything more than a gallon of water, rest, rest, rest for 48 hours. I will miss the boy's class birthday party, but will be ready for the magnetics party Friday night.
So what about discovery? I thought about painting, my passion along with my family. The information I received made me realize that living with chronic pain is just that -- living with it. It does not mean putting life on hold "until I get better." It means doing life NOW. It means coping with frustration, depressions, hopelessness, anger at oneself because it takes three hours to do a 20 minute task, anger and sadness and despair because those who are supposed to help you sometimes/often won't. So what is the option - yes, options! Home Health Care for assistance - why expect my family to take the brunt - yeh, call a social worker and explain - get a network going and LIVE, darn it, just LIVE - and learn to love better. Getting rid of negative thinking is not the total answer - its another piece of the puzzle - and a knowing I am part of not only my family, but my community as well, and maybe even a receiver (of tax dollars) and not just a giver. And my family will learn from all this in the process, (hopefully). That's where my job is to pray. And love.
And believe God will take care of me (and my family) - the people who are helping me with the magnetic treatment are Christians and not charging me anything - that HAS to be a piece of the puzzle. God does things in ways we don't expect - we want everything to work on OUR PLAN....and it seldom does. So the adventure unfolds.
Joni Mitchell paints - Frida painted - and had social lives - friends, lovers, family, love, pain, angst, achievement - so can I. No more waiting.
I need to go get prone now - will visit all tomorrow in spurts - and Pup, I miss you, I often wonder if you are disillusioned with us "adults" in all our messy lives - but you know, life just isn't perfect, we deal with it as best we can. Love is the most important component of life...its that love that keeps us going despite all its imperfections, disappointments, failures..........and I'm sending you love tonight through this.......