Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Fall Reflections

Whew, the storm is over, the sun is shining - but only on the outside. I think the reason I don't like fall is because of the sadness that comes. I made it through the anniversary of my son's death yesterday, but today I have been weeping buckets and more buckets. Not only that, but looking at old pictures of my kids and I miss them, I miss them so much. The girls are still here as adults, but ....well, I miss them.....the trucks, the dolls, the basketball games, the school projects - making sure they had warm winter clothes for when the hard Wyoming winter came - just having them with me. I miss them so much today.

Will let myself grieve a little while longer, then suck it up and get with today, and put the past back neatly into a box - label it, "The Past." Going through a box my mother sent - with my son's drawings, writings - even my report cards from grade school, my baby book, family photos, oh dear. And I wonder if they will go to a trash can somewhere when I am gone.

Today I realize how old I am. There is no path as I walk down the end of life, not that its the end - if I went by my female ancestors - I have another 30 years, LOL!! But also a package came from an attorney with all my medical records, and I realize I could also make that end journey at any time. But that is true for all of us, we are living in violent times.

I remember all the angst and drama of youth, of my twenties, thirties, and forties. And it gives me more patience with my daughters. Photos of an ex husband and my poor dark face - that one was a BIG mistake. But it took me to a place where the fall was wonderful - my kids and I would wander the woods and the pumpkin patches and I would can and work with food while they played in mountains of colored leaves - fall in Iowa is an awesome spectacle. We would carve pumpkins and we would make bonfires and roast marshmallows over the burning piles of leaves. The neighbors thought I was quite nuts - and perhaps I was - maybe. I was so poor - I would take my son to the mall, and he loved cheese - we would go to the cheese store - he always liked to do that even though we could only afford one pound of cheese - he could choose the kind he wanted after tasting through the different ones.

Ok, 'nuff of this. Going to go get on my elliptical, try to get in the mood for drawing tonight - and think about THIS Thanksgiving and what I have NOW to be thankful for.


Stagg said...

I love the picture!!

tweetey30 said...

You are thankful to have great friends like us and your girls and grandchildren and your memories with your son. I know you have said how he passed on to me in an e-mail but I know you are thankful for all of this.. Happy thoughts while you paint tonight my friend. I have tears in my eyes reading and typing this for you. I have been weepy lately myself for no reason. Everytime I read something sad I cry. Well have to go get my hubby. I will catch you later. N....

Wandering Coyote said...

That is a great picture!

Oh, Gardenia! I really ached for you as I read this post. The body will keep on remembering, no matter what. And that's OK. It just is. I hope you feel better soon.

punxxi said...

I love your self portrait!
tHOSE waves were scary-awesome i love stormy beaches! yOU would have loved them too, and taken fabulos pictures!

punxxi said...

Oy vey, cap lock and bad spelling, all in one post!

Biddie said...

I'm sorry..I knew that the annivesary was coming up sometime during the fall..What an awful day it must be for you.
I miss my kids too. The little kid days, the school days. Jessica is still in school, but Kayla is done (except for perhaps college) and KC is on her own and I seldom see her now.
My MIL tells me that this will pass, it just a phase. I don't know..Somedays, I miss her so much, and other days I am glad for the quiet in the house.

Gardenia said...

Oh, Biddie - I wish it would pass - it does for the most part, but then will catch you off guard. Sigh.

Milla said...

What a post, full of melancholy and autumnal sadness.
I feel for you, Gardenia.

"Going through a box my mother sent - with my son's drawings, writings - even my report cards from grade school, my baby book, family photos, oh dear. And I wonder if they will go to a trash can somewhere when I am gone."

If I have a box like this when my time to 'go' comes, I will ask that it should come with me :)
I don't want something like this to go in a rubbish bin.