Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Lost it Again

And just after a Sunday Sermon that made me decide to be more Christ-like. I lost it big tonight.

Here's the trail:
Last week:
Tuesday - Commissioners' Meeting from hell.

Wednesday - come home at noon and find all windows out of back of house, front door wide open, cupboards open, and all this in the midst of a dustbowl blowing in before the rain. (What were the glass installers doing in my cupboards??) Call landlords, complain. They say they will stay at the apt. until the glass people come back. Call glass company and chew them out. Come home after work and begin the cleanup. Sand so bad on all surfaces it is turning to mud. Ok, vacum surfaces, then scrub!

Thursday - landlords hire cleaning lady to help me finish cleaning up stove full of sand, dishes, silverware, beds, it is EVERYWHRE.

Friday - company arrives! An old "best" friend. We talk our brains out and have Margauritas. One is two much for me, so why did I do that two nights in a row? Don't feel so good.

Saturday - more friend, now there are three - the old gang, "the three muskateers," yay! Good talk, love, but too much griping about my husband on my part. Guilt. Both of them have suffered more than me, I have no right to complain about a husband that refuses to communicate about anything from the least bit important to the most important, thereby stifling any hope of a relationship. But then I think one thing "Brokeback Mountain" taught me - some, maybe a lot of men can't communicate effectively, and I wonder if that is not only with women but with one another.

Sunday - church with my friend, Lent conviction of how much our sins cost our Lord, then lunch at Su Casa - excellent little place for Tex-Mex. Then she leaves for home, and I decide to drive out to the dam about 30 miles out of town. Photos, walking along the Platte River, gathering of willows. Sunday night - ah, not enough sleep.

Monday - come home, beyond tired, exhausted. Another employee quit. Another recruiting & hiring time consuming run, on top of usual duties. Phone talk to oldest daughter who has rare bone tumor in hand and is freaking out because it is growing daily and the doctor cancels her surgery. Fall in bed, oversleep on Tuesday.

Tuesday - intercession at lunch. Go home at 7:00 and find little spooky things - the sprayer on back of sink laying across the drainer - I never use the sprayer. OK, here we go again, am I nuts? Demonic manifestations? Multiple Personality Disorder? Hmmm. Begin washing lettuce for supper and water pours all over my feet, floor, carpet (ah, classic horror movie symptoms of a possessed apartment!!!) - oh yeh, another mess, just exactly what I was hoping for. Call landlord, yes, I'm nasty - not only because of ANOTHER mess but ANOTHER invasion of privacy. I have two phone numbers they COULD use to tell me they would be in my apartment for repairs while I am away. I slammed the door to my bedroom and cleaned up a website while they cleaned up the flood!

Her - miffed because I am mad - he - making excuses, shuckin' & jivin'. I told them (for the 138th time) the issue is my privacy, I want to know when someone is in here! If I leave underpants on the back of the chair to dry, I want to option of putting them away before someone comes in here. I pay rent, I have a right to privacy. She left mad, he left like he'd been caught in something pretty wicked. So, I guess I'll wait to see if I'm getting evicted.

So another day of struggling with the flesh, the mind, while the spirit finds spaces to bask in the warmth of God's presence. I look to Mother Teresa of Calcutta and wonder at her - I saw her little gutsy self once railing at an audience because of abortion - another time, holding a sick starving child to her heart. Hmm, I wonder. I think I shall go buy her book, maybe there are secrets there to help with all this silly struggle. At least I have blankets, food, a roof, loved ones, a job, so much, so much. Thank you Lord, and I pray, accept my praise, overlook my selfish concerns.

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