Sunday, February 17, 2008
No clothes! I've hit the 25 pound mark. All my Wyoming working woman clothes are too large. Basically I have two pairs of jeans that dutifully shrunk, two capris my older daughter gave me and a few shirts. Even my shoes are getting "baggy" on my feet. I put on a pair of underwear this a.m. that slid up my cheeks, not having enough cheeks to fill them. I'm think, oh dear - I just dumped a bunch of clothes ten years and older (yes, that's terrible, isnt' it?). I have to make a second round through the closet. Then, shudder, I have to go to the store. I hate going to the mall. I hate going to "the store." It takes too much time. I love getting new clothes. Love it! I love clothes. I just hate the search and acquisition stage!
Years of being a single mom, and then years of being married to someone who only believes in spending money on books, always left me scrounging for clothes. Especially for work. I did't mind so much what I wear around the house - but I'm getting so I do - I'm thinking - yes, its time for pretty underwears, gorgeous underwear and no more shirts with bleach spots to clean house in - and at least a couple of dressy things, and a couple of sleek pants and tops. And I'm getting rid of the too big stuff because I'm not gonna go there no mo'. I been a yo yo mamma. No mo'.
It is hard - I've always hoarded clothing - and recognize fear that I'll not have enough money for more when needed. Another enemy to be defeated....fear of lack.
Actually having fun on that elliptical, setting new challenges and meeting them. A mile and one-half a day isn't that much - but when I started I could only go .2 miles without losing my breath.
Its interesting that when one goes on a health program that it seems like satan himself hates it. Things will happen to make you want to reach for rice pudding. Anger at others or oneself is nicely drowned out with food. Its like putting a gun with slow acting bullets to the head. Those who love you (in their own weird ways) will bring you chocolates and fattening food and try to talk you into eating it. Will fill the freezer with sausages so you can't get any of your food in. Spouses will get insecure and not be so nice. Some friends will drop off. Oh well - Temple Repair I call it. I'm reminded that when Nehemiah rebuilt the wall, he had to fight as he built. Its an interesting story.
I quit the Prozac - was a way low dose, but am still experiencing dizziness. It will go away. I haven't had any "electrical currents" of anxiety pounding my body so it has done its job. I will welcome the clarity rather than the warm "fuzz" I felt enveloped in. The only bad thing is I seem to be waking up after 3-4 hours of sleep again. Fighting off the specter of death has been interesting, I'm thinking of writing about it. I'm still under the care of the hematologist who is still convinced I'm bleeding internally, so I have to have more tests. Some things you know that you know. I am not. I haven't yet figured out why my body won't hold iron, which is critical in making red blood cells, but that can be overcome by taking the supplements.
So, one year later, I feel as if I am actually winning. Whenever something bad hits, I always try to focus on solving it and finding out what I am supposed to be learning from the experience. Sometimes I figure it out - sometimes I don't. I hope I don't have to go around this mountain again.