Thursday, March 20, 2008

Rubber Chicken Chronicles



Ooooh! Day Four of the Negative Thinking Fast. I've already been sorely tested. Day three was to abstain from thinking "I'm Overwhelmed." The antidote: To understand that being yoked with God as applies to the reason for a "yoke" - so one can pick up the burden when the other falters. I need to see myself yoked to God and with that yoking I can handle whatever comes my way (with help).

Day Four came THE TEST: Day four was to abstain from thinking something bad might happen to me and my family. When enough bad things and tragedy have fallen upon our lives, we tend to begin to expect it. When we expect it, we bring it to ourselves. We have to STOP! Orrrrrrrr, for an analogy.....we create a "Catch 22" situation......we get in bed with the bad thinking and wonder and obsess on why we wake up pregnant.

My test: A huge fight with "H" - when I asked for him to bring home a chicken for supper. I got a nasty, berating answer. Which meant no, but also no, and you are a rotten person for asking when I work so hard for that 4.58 that a chicken would cost and I don't have because of YOU! I, AGAIN, lost my cool and lambasted the ball back to "H's" court, and of course it ended up back in my court to stay as I am the one to blame for "everything." Then, it started...."the thoughts." After a while, I woke up as if out of a dream realizing that I was replaying this over and over and wandering how, considering my circumstances, I could divorce him. Finish it once and for all. The awful part was I realized that in my head was a constant conversation playing labeled "Resentment and Fear and Doubting Myself." It messes with my head - he acts to the outside world as if we have a perfect marriage and, of course, there is his library of boxes and boxes and boxes of books on marriage. I was obsessing trying to figure this all out and make some sense of it. (Here, see Tweety's post - there is no sense.) But probably I wanted to justify to myself that I'm not nuts.

Screeeech, halt, stop! I will never figure it out. Just stop! "STOP! STOP NOW."

How? I played some music that was uplifting for me, and just refused to think on THAT stuff anymore. Did it work - not right away, but I was persistent in talking to the alien thought pod planted in my brain. (Attempt at joking here). I then would bring my thoughts back to the worship music.

Back to Day Three COMBINED with the thoughts of Day Four - "I'm overwhelmed." I had, in that negative thought festival because of a dead chicken, assigned myself to an assisted living facility as the ONLY solution by the time I had reached the top of the nasty thoughts ladder. (But free of the constant cement block around my ankle - or so I told myself.) Ok, you are probably laughing - I am smiling now after seeing the totally ridiculous paths that the trails of our thoughts, if left unbridled, will take us. It's also amazing how they will take us over and consume us. I felt helpless - but I prayed the prayer that God always answers: "Help me!" Then I had the strength to say "Stop Now" loud enough and long enough to make a difference.

I'm excited to find out if 40 days of fasting from all these thoughts will change the paths of the neurons running through my brain. Will 40 days kill the default program? We'll find out.......

5 comments:

Ya Think? said...

Hey there,

No I am not laughing at the assisted living solution!! I can so relate.. But I am glad through this you were able to find degrees inbetween where your feelings are and assisted living.

I don't know if you remember EMDR or have ever heard of it. The one thing I like about EMDR is replacing a painful place or event with a positive place or event. I wonder if that works with replacing a negative thought or belief with a positive thought or belief? EMDR did not work on me, so I can only speculate.

Life used to be so cut and dry, so it seemed. However as we progress and age, I think it gets even more complex and the decisions we make can have different consequences than when we were younger.

I am glad you have your art and music to help you through these times. The positive thinking process is progressive.

I would love to have a copy of the 40 days of fasting from negativity that was sent to you...

Gardenia said...

ya think, I'll send the link to you.......its something to look forward to everyday - I'll forward today's - its a good one -

I went through the EMDR - that was the psychologist who said I was the worst case of emotional abuse she had seen - I said to her, "Well, you don't know the people I do" - meaning I've seen so much worse in the world - but it did help, whether it was a purging or not I don't know - think it has to be done at the right time or it could actually bring to much up and rather than feeling "purged" one could feel suicidal!

Actually, with the thoughts thing, Pastor Dickow is giving scriptures to replace those negative thoughts with...I'm going back to email and send you the link to sign up - before I get on my way here.

Candy Minx said...

Oh you know...a friend and I were just talking on the phone yesterday about this kind of thing...and by thing I mean the "ego's backlash"

She has been reading the Tolle book and finding that at first she felt great and it was easy to read the thoughts that were negative, recognize that it is the force of aego trying to control us ...but then she found herself more negative than usual...and snapping at stuff...

I think that the ego and the part of us that doesn't have faith...is like Golem (in Lord of the Rings)

The kind of vigillence and work it takes to stop hearing or saying negative things threatens the ego's position in our souls. So the ego tries to become stronger and uses even more negativethoughts...they begin to surface as we are healing...and it's as if it is a "last gasp" attempt to stop us from being our full beautiful sleves...ya know?

I think your observations of yesterday and the chicken arebeautiful.

The thing is...as far a the "H" goes...he can't stop you from feeling good or from being in the now. In many ways...it might be seen as a gift...he is harmless compared to the abuse you say you have experienced in the past...so here is this tough talking grouchy soul trying to bring you down....


Well...it is an opportunity for you to turn the other cheeck...make something else for dinner...and see that god or the universe gave you a challenge...

And..you just likely learned huge things by this process of analysis and observation from yesterday!!!

You already know how "H" is going to react about most things right? So next week when you are out and about...pick up a chicken...keep focused on what you like doing...if he participates so be it...if he doesn't and he says nasty things...so be it...

Let the time for making decisions about assisted living or breaking up your marriage ride out for a while...that is not important.

What is important is the good work you are doing at recreating your home and the power struggles that are going on. There can't be any power struggles if you don't include him in the game.

Make dinner , make soup...clean the house...make sure you have anawesome place to sleep and watch tv or do your art work.

Those are your mainstream priorities because they allow you to be free of the burden of a power struggle.

Do not engage ina power struggle in your own home...and the home will change it's appearance and tone and atmosphere...with or without the "H"...

I love you you rock girlfriend!

Tiem will let direction surface...just keep focused the answers will follow later and you won't need to worry...it will be clear...

It will b obvious what you need to do to have your fun and life...

tweetey30 said...

Glad I could help you there. My post on Chapter 5 did some good when Jeff and I had an outing on his ability to not play chess when the girls were awake. I threatened to walk away again and things settled down about half hour after that. He doesnt like when I ask him to pick things up either on his way home from work. He gets right down nasty with me some days. I always give him a choice though and he always takes what i ask him to pick up for some damn reason. LOL.. Men...

FOUR DINNERS said...

Vodka assists me in living.

You look after youtself babe x