Thursday, March 20, 2008
Rubber Chicken Chronicles
Ooooh! Day Four of the Negative Thinking Fast. I've already been sorely tested. Day three was to abstain from thinking "I'm Overwhelmed." The antidote: To understand that being yoked with God as applies to the reason for a "yoke" - so one can pick up the burden when the other falters. I need to see myself yoked to God and with that yoking I can handle whatever comes my way (with help).
Day Four came THE TEST: Day four was to abstain from thinking something bad might happen to me and my family. When enough bad things and tragedy have fallen upon our lives, we tend to begin to expect it. When we expect it, we bring it to ourselves. We have to STOP! Orrrrrrrr, for an analogy.....we create a "Catch 22" situation......we get in bed with the bad thinking and wonder and obsess on why we wake up pregnant.
My test: A huge fight with "H" - when I asked for him to bring home a chicken for supper. I got a nasty, berating answer. Which meant no, but also no, and you are a rotten person for asking when I work so hard for that 4.58 that a chicken would cost and I don't have because of YOU! I, AGAIN, lost my cool and lambasted the ball back to "H's" court, and of course it ended up back in my court to stay as I am the one to blame for "everything." Then, it started...."the thoughts." After a while, I woke up as if out of a dream realizing that I was replaying this over and over and wandering how, considering my circumstances, I could divorce him. Finish it once and for all. The awful part was I realized that in my head was a constant conversation playing labeled "Resentment and Fear and Doubting Myself." It messes with my head - he acts to the outside world as if we have a perfect marriage and, of course, there is his library of boxes and boxes and boxes of books on marriage. I was obsessing trying to figure this all out and make some sense of it. (Here, see Tweety's post - there is no sense.) But probably I wanted to justify to myself that I'm not nuts.
Screeeech, halt, stop! I will never figure it out. Just stop! "STOP! STOP NOW."
How? I played some music that was uplifting for me, and just refused to think on THAT stuff anymore. Did it work - not right away, but I was persistent in talking to the alien thought pod planted in my brain. (Attempt at joking here). I then would bring my thoughts back to the worship music.
Back to Day Three COMBINED with the thoughts of Day Four - "I'm overwhelmed." I had, in that negative thought festival because of a dead chicken, assigned myself to an assisted living facility as the ONLY solution by the time I had reached the top of the nasty thoughts ladder. (But free of the constant cement block around my ankle - or so I told myself.) Ok, you are probably laughing - I am smiling now after seeing the totally ridiculous paths that the trails of our thoughts, if left unbridled, will take us. It's also amazing how they will take us over and consume us. I felt helpless - but I prayed the prayer that God always answers: "Help me!" Then I had the strength to say "Stop Now" loud enough and long enough to make a difference.
I'm excited to find out if 40 days of fasting from all these thoughts will change the paths of the neurons running through my brain. Will 40 days kill the default program? We'll find out.......