Monday, March 05, 2007


Pain, pain, pain and more pain. I moved wrong yesterday afternoon and a burst of fire went through my back, hip, and into my groin, down my leg into my foot and - stayed. Like one of those grating people that "drop" in - and stay the whole day, determining to take control of you. Took a pain pill, then another. Then my lungs started burning and my nose ran. But finally things settled to a slow burn and was able to sleep.

I fear - being in a public place and having this happen and not being able to sit down, walk away, or move - then what.

This morning I woke up better, but decided that in pain there is always learning to be done. So, what is it this time? With a very dirty house swimmnig about me, a multiple-cat litter box, a flower bed converted to weeds, clothes to go to the mission to be given away, endless hours in the chair at the computer trying to finish a mountain of paperwork and start a portfolio website, a grandson who needs to learn to eat something besides highly processed foods. I need to cook. I can easily dissolve into a nervous wreck full of self-pity. Empathy? Yes, all you broken disc, back pain sufferers! I understand now.

Called "Molly Maids" and a few others - they will vacumn and dust if you pick up the rest. Won't work. Oh, I need organizers, window washers, toilet scrubbers - bathtub cleaners, yard men, power washing experts, a mover to take boxes to the storage, cat maintenance specialists - that could eat up an unemployment check IF one could find someone to do the service!

Patience? Who has time for patience when there are mountains of tasks waiting?

Charity? How can you get involved in the community, church, service to fellow man when you can't even walk?

Wan Beauty? Nope, I even look like a chronic pain patient, messy hair, swollen eyes, yellow circles underneath. Why don't they just gracefully sink in and become dark rimmed? Pale, very pale. White lips. Oh, shouldn't they look bruised and slightly plumply purple? I am loosing weight. Let's see, today is the 5th, only 14 more days until I can see the doctor for a referral. Reminder, call insurance, see if they will approve the back treatments.

Forgiveness? That my family can happily move through this mound of dirt and clutter and not care that I can't even have friends over, it's so bad? Yeh, maybe this one. I got impatient with my mother as I watched her frustration mount because she's getting too old to do a lot of tasks that she needs done, its bad when you can hardly find someone to help even for pay - I feel my family's tempers rising as they get irritated upon being asked to clean up some cat barf - pick up the clothes off the floor -

I laugh - my grandson wants to go to Walmart for groceries with me - that is because he has it all figured out - he can put me in one of those drive yourself around carts and sit in my lap and do the driving. My imagination runs wild thinking about that adventure!

Well, another day - one task allowed before the pain takes over - what shall it be?


Red said...

This sounds like no fun at all. I can't believe you are still suffering like this as a result of that guy slamming into your car. But if you allow yourself only one task before pain takes over, make it the trip to the grocerys tore. A full fridge heals morethan a few ailments in my view. And then, if you have room for another task, maybe clean the kitty litter, or there'll be hell to pay...

Hope you feel better real soon. If I could, I would ship my gorgeous osteopath over to you. His name is Jean Charles, but I call him "Magic Hands"...

ldbug said...


Wish there was something I could do!

Hopefully soon you'll feel better (once the stupid doctors and insurance come through!!)

tshsmom said...

I hear ya, but you already knew that, didn't you?
I FINALLY got my guys' butts in gear last weekend and we cleared away all the crap they've been stacking in the living room! Today, they're saying how BIG the living room is. Well, DUH!

I have 2 herniated discs and stress is my back's worst enemy! Blow off some steam at your family. They may not get the message and become helpful, but it will help release the built up stress in your body. ;)

d34dpuppy said...

m sory ur hurtin

Wandering Coyote said...

You sound so overwhelmed by everything. You really need to kick some ass and get your family to help you out. And I would really recommend calling the insurance people about your back and getting some treatment. Chronic pain just exacerbates everything and makes it hard to get perspective. I wish there were something I could do to help you, my friend, but all I can do is send you all my positive energy.

Gardenia said...

thanks everyone - will take advice to heart - yeh, this stuff does wear ya down. The chiro's office is fighting for me - they will contact insurance - it sounded favorable today with health insurance but chiro's office manager said she'd never had an HMO pay yet. we'll see

Gardenia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Karen said...

I agree that your family needs to get off their butts and help out especially considering they know how much pain you're in. As frustrating as it might be, you need to take the time to heal yourself. Let the papers pile up, and a few dust bunnies never killed anyone. If you do something you shouldn't and hurt yourself even worse, you'll be no good to anyone especially yourself.

Hope the insurance ends up covering the treatments - the world needs you to be better :)

Candy Minx said...

I wish there was something I could do too.

what a handful and it's so much worse if you can't do anything isn't it?

I agree with Red, get some groceries, and do the cat litter although I don't know how you're going to bend over.

Um, forget Molly need a real house keeper...and they are around..and you might have to tip a little extra for the cat box.

As for organizers...well I am thinking some ideas...does your cat food come in boxes? If so...I suggest cutting them like magazine holders and pasting flowers or something on them...

Basically look around for some cardboard boxes sort of small that you can use for files. That way you're not spending a fortune at a container store...but can label and sort papers around your desk...magazines, and then cut up mags you don't want to keep.

Forget about decor for a few weeks...and just make things in sturdy comfortable stcks...everything off the floor.

It's amazing how if we just take everything off the floor a place feels cleaner and simpler.

THEN you can worry about real cleaners and get Molly Maid or someone in after you have a family member help you stack things up.

You can sit quietly and make storage containers watching tv later and relax...?

Gardenia said...

tshsmom - how ARE you living with those herniated discs? And you work like a horse - I thought I was a toughie when it comes to pain - but good gosh, gal!

this is wierd - its like your legs don't work right - huh?

red, oh, nice osteopath - wish he were here too -

for two days I've had something burning in my lungs, coughing, wheezing - am I allergic to pain pills? I wish I had my "two shot" doctor here from Wyo - counting down the days until I can see my medical doc, damn HMO's.

just looking over Progressive Auto policy which clearly states I am covered under uninsured/underinsured motorists clearly defined as "me" in the policy definitions and comparing it to a letter from the Progressive adjustor that says I have no coverage for medical....again, more calls to attorney - have to be tough today and if they aren't interested in doing anything, I need to find another.....

ahhhhhhhhhh - I surely don't know how to get family off butt - and been around them for a long time - a friend removed her daughter & grandson from home - similar situation, but I don't think I can go that - so its a matter of my choosing I guess - I could do tough love, take all the cats to the pound, kick everyone out - but ah just cain't do husband's mother's side of family had some sort horrible lethargy built in to them - where they can happily sit on a sofa for hours and look at the wall.

my family gave out the message that you aren't worth living if you don't work your butt off 24 hours a day to the exclusion of everything else - now, mix those two together - psychologically speaking, however, I've always found the passive win the wars.

the cosmic powers that crippled me goofed - I would have been happy to work myself to the grave around the mushrooms on the couch just to have a reasonably livable home, where you could actually let someone in the front door to visit.

Ahhhhh, my family secrets are out!

tshsmom said...

"..psychologically speaking, however, I've always found the passive win the wars."

That's why I keep trying to break through hubby's passive exterior...I want to WIN, just once!
I always accuse him of loving me for what I DO for him, rather than loving me for who I am. :(

Pickled Olives said...

Reading this reminds me I need to be more patient with my mom.

Look in the local paper for someone looking for housework. That does include garage, basement, picking up... all the things you need, ie: housework.