Pain, pain, pain and more pain. I moved wrong yesterday afternoon and a burst of fire went through my back, hip, and into my groin, down my leg into my foot and - stayed. Like one of those grating people that "drop" in - and stay the whole day, determining to take control of you. Took a pain pill, then another. Then my lungs started burning and my nose ran. But finally things settled to a slow burn and was able to sleep.
I fear - being in a public place and having this happen and not being able to sit down, walk away, or move - then what.
This morning I woke up better, but decided that in pain there is always learning to be done. So, what is it this time? With a very dirty house swimmnig about me, a multiple-cat litter box, a flower bed converted to weeds, clothes to go to the mission to be given away, endless hours in the chair at the computer trying to finish a mountain of paperwork and start a portfolio website, a grandson who needs to learn to eat something besides highly processed foods. I need to cook. I can easily dissolve into a nervous wreck full of self-pity. Empathy? Yes, all you broken disc, back pain sufferers! I understand now.
Called "Molly Maids" and a few others - they will vacumn and dust if you pick up the rest. Won't work. Oh, I need organizers, window washers, toilet scrubbers - bathtub cleaners, yard men, power washing experts, a mover to take boxes to the storage, cat maintenance specialists - that could eat up an unemployment check IF one could find someone to do the service!
Patience? Who has time for patience when there are mountains of tasks waiting?
Charity? How can you get involved in the community, church, service to fellow man when you can't even walk?
Wan Beauty? Nope, I even look like a chronic pain patient, messy hair, swollen eyes, yellow circles underneath. Why don't they just gracefully sink in and become dark rimmed? Pale, very pale. White lips. Oh, shouldn't they look bruised and slightly plumply purple? I am loosing weight. Let's see, today is the 5th, only 14 more days until I can see the doctor for a referral. Reminder, call insurance, see if they will approve the back treatments.
Forgiveness? That my family can happily move through this mound of dirt and clutter and not care that I can't even have friends over, it's so bad? Yeh, maybe this one. I got impatient with my mother as I watched her frustration mount because she's getting too old to do a lot of tasks that she needs done, its bad when you can hardly find someone to help even for pay - I feel my family's tempers rising as they get irritated upon being asked to clean up some cat barf - pick up the clothes off the floor -
I laugh - my grandson wants to go to Walmart for groceries with me - that is because he has it all figured out - he can put me in one of those drive yourself around carts and sit in my lap and do the driving. My imagination runs wild thinking about that adventure!
Well, another day - one task allowed before the pain takes over - what shall it be?