Tuesday, October 16, 2007

News Flash & What's it with Women?

****The boogie woogie beagle boy does not live here. I absolutely could not tolerate another species to take care of. Just for clarification. As cute as he was. I am over impulse doggies and impulse men.****** Good Morning everyone!

Now that that's over....(I think I gave my sis a heart attack - she knows my big heart gets me in bigger troubles)...................

Its black outside, tornado black, but the forecast is just rain and more rain and more rain.

I'm reading a book that is focused on mothers' guilt about working and trying to nurture our children properly. Seems like society has set us up - you mean our children's unhappy moments are not our fault?

Oh, darn, we invested so much time in that guilt, now we are hearing it is all for naught? Now don't get me wrong - I'm the queen of guilt - I can let my thoughts drift back to all the I shoulda's and I oughta's, and end up writhing in the floor in tears and guilt - I do not dare go some places in memory - ya know? Where could we be today if we just saw and could see things clearly?

The author states that primates have no such conflict, baby clings to them, pretty much 24/7, while mom finds food, nurtures, and grooms. Granted, any nice tree will make a home - no lawn mowing there. And....No babysitting problems, no leaving sick children with sitters or in nursery school or home alone in bed if they are older - gosh, guess what - when mom primate is down - others take over as a natural course of business. No refusal of raises if baby is suckling while mom gathers the berries.

Women usually are primary caregivers, yet expected to work as many hours as men, take care of the house, the laundry, sometimes the yard, the cooking, and then the kids need quality time! Oh, don't forget to get the car serviced and the new tires put on and drop by the dry cleaners and the grocery store on our way home. Then we are paid about $10,000 (at least) a year less than men in the same fields (as a rule) because we are women and the birthing and child rearing process falls mainly to us. But, hey, wasn't too many years ago we weren't allowed to vote either. So should we be grateful for the fact we are allowed out in the workplace at all? No gratefulness necessary - if not for us the economy would collapse. Should we all go on strike?

Now I'm talking of society in general when it comes to us suffering from self-inflicted blame. If we fail in this monumental endeavor (whether for real or only in our guilt ridden working mom minds), then is it a lack of support within our system? Heck no, it's the woman's fault! But in reality it may be society. This is a very interesting book and I think it raises some real questions in regard to a healthy society - and why approximately one-half of our society (women) are just exhausted, sad, and another large segment in the one-half are living near poverty or in poverty if divorced or aged. In a few days, I'll give it a short review over in the reading club blog. Or maybe I won't need to - I just keep typing here.

And, I'm not bashing men, its just the way our society has evolved - actually I feel sorry for men that are not carrying an equal load with the women in their lives, they are missing pain that will mature their characters magnificently!

Joking aside, men should know how to cook and do laundry. They should know the children's schedules so they can fill in just to let the kid know they care, so they can help teach, nurture, take kids to doctor, etc. (Mine doesn't want to know, never did. But he's in an older generation where men controlled their money and the woman's too if she worked, and then when not working, sat and watched TV and were pissed (excuse me) because they weren't getting the companionship they needed or wanted. Period.) What makes it "impossible" for men to get away from jobs for dental appointments, etc. for kids, when mom somehow manages to do it even if she's working?

"H"'s partial awakening was when I left him about 15 years ago, and he knocked on my apartment door with a load of laundry wanting ME to do it. I slammed the door in his face and told him to grow up!

I do think men are more involved in parenting than ever before, but generally there are still huge inequalities in chores and child rearing duties for the most part. On one hand, I feel sorry for men because when they become grandpas then they know what they missed. But often if they had to go back, they would again choose to "miss it."

Then there are other things to consider - we had the feminist movement - men had no choice other than to sit on a stump like a dazed frog awaiting doom, or to respond to the shift in the women's camp. I don't think men have had a road map to follow as women did in the feminist movement. Some Christian movements sprang up, such as Ten Million Men, with strong Christian men realizing they were missing it. And even with leadership, we are still all finding our way.

Speaking of Christian men and women, some have been victims of man-made stereotypes that were perpetrated as "the way" to relationships that they need to break out of. So many men-women rules in the Church are merely religious rules much unlike the teachings of Christ for relationships.

But speaking of society in the U.S. now, it's getting me sort of angry actually; work me to death, and then society promotes guilt because I'm not performing 100% in all categories? Think about it. On the other hand, there are chapters on WHY we feel that way - and some of that "ain't purty" - it falls somewhat over into our own control issues. That's the part I have to re-read before posting to the book club site. Of course women have control issues - humans have control issues, period.

Could it be the studies of child care institutions that result in our children suffering less than good care, rather than shoving guilt onto women, should result in an improvement in childcare for working mothers?

Ok, guys and gals have a great day! Enough of this. Some of you probably wish I would burn that book! I ran it by "H" and he glared at me and responded with a "Nuyh." P.S. Blogger doesn't want to do images today or some other things.


tweetey30 said...

Sounds like a good read actually. I might have to check this one out when I get a minute. You are right though. There are plenty of men that dont want things to do with putting the kids to bed or other such activities with the chidren in there lives. I know Jeff doesnt put the girls to bed but if I worked I know he would. He just prefers that I am here I do it. He has never been to the dr appts with me for the girls. They usually go while he's at work and I give him an update on how the appt went when he comes home.

Anonymous said...

i cook i clean i do laundry i wont do kids tho

Gardenia said...

Puppy, good goin'! Kids are an incredible responsibility and its a wise person who knows they aren't ready! And a wise young person who knows how to cook and clean, male OR female!

Tweety, I think if a couple has something that's working, that's really cool! I think the book was mainly just zooming in on the working women who are trying to juggle and its not fitting, and there is all this guilt because its not fitting - and what can solve the situation! Heaven knows the stay at home mom is working just as hard in many ways!

I remember going to work when my youngest was two - it broke my heart - and hers. But it also felt good to be able to buy a pizza once a week. And not having to live in broken down shacks with crazy landlords - there was something about that town that the landlords think just because you paid rent, they could still roam about your house.

Anyway, it is such a conflict for so many women - I think the author is searching for answers.

Hattigrace said...

I wish the old days were back. I would love to stay home and cook and clean and not have all this responsibility. I wish I had had ten children, breast fed every one of them and been a home body. Just wasn't in the plan for me.

So, I try to be the cheerfullest "wo-man" out there! Like Father Mercy said, we are depressed because our expectations and reality aren't the same. Gotta let go of the expectations so I can be happy with my reality!

Gardenia said...

Hattigrace, you are cheerful. You carry your loads magnificently and with such grace. You are right - I too wish for the "old days" - but maybe they weren't all they were cracked up to be, maybe only a dream.

Wouldn't it be cool to have ten children? Right now, all grown! I alway wanted a huge two story house that had rooms ready for visits and all their baby and childhood memory stuff up in the attic! And a big garden! And a man who came home most of the time with a smile on his face and who loved more things in life than the TV. To see the kids tripping off to college to have great careers for a while before marriage, and then to marry for life and have these little ones for themselves. Sigh. Fairy tales.

Additionally, I think they should banish the "happily ever after" - finding the prince or princess stories. They set up unrealistic expectations on both sexes. Yes, we do have a choice, deal with reality, be cheerful anyway or get bitter when those expectations aren't met.

Remember the well groomed little old couple from therapy? He always came to appointments with her, they seemed like newly weds, he even helped her with her exercise at home. They still had smiles on their faces and were talking to one another. I caught him slapping her little cottage cheesy butt - it was so cute. I always hoped for the end of life to be something like that. I would have liked to interview them to find out how they achieved this!

Wandering Coyote said...

I look forward to the review on the book blog. It sounds like a great book. I personally believe child rearing should be a 50/50 effort, but of course realize it rarely turns out that way. That's one of the reasons I'm very reluctant to have children - I don't want to be trapped into a traditional role, or even a fraction of a traditional role. Actually, to be honest, I have very little interest in actual parenting, though I would like to experience pregnancy. But since you can't do one without the other, I don't think either is going to happen for me.

Hattigrace said...

Thank you for the puppy and the visit! You looked STUNNING!

LOVE Cajun Hibisicus. What you did with the background literaly glows. Very, very nice.

Valerie said she re-did the nose on her first master copy 72 times. I asked her if that was supposed to encourage me, because actually it made me feel rather suicidal!!!

So, how many times did CH get redoes?!!

Gardenia said...

Oh, maybe about maximum - 6, once I got close to thinking it was done. There is a question that artists always ask - how do you know when its done?

Been watching about the storm all day - yike. Hope all is well in your side of town both at work and home! We escaped all but wind and lots of rain.