Saturday, November 15, 2008

Out of the Gloom to Bloom

Went to see the Blue Angels fly today - front row seat in my own front yard. That's always a thrill. Especially when they fly a few feet over my house and the house starts rockin.'

Feeling better after just a few hours of solitude. Now I have damage to undo from allowing that negative energy to flow. Actually, it was a battle of the soul. I guess if one wins, it's ok - it's just that one needs a "cleaner" to come in to mop up the mess, and, well, I was always taught "If you make the mess, you clean it up," so I have to be my own cleaner! Most of you know November is a rough month as my son passed away on the 10th and his birthday is on the 15th. The impact hit me late this year and almost every year I forget to give myself space to grieve. My short term depression was not a gracious thing.

My oldest daughter was fighting a battle of her own - she was the warrior this time. Good job, my Maggie!

The weekend has become my work time. It fights with my desire to have the grandson by my side and to be cooking for him, putting meat on his bones, and enjoying his company, just hanging around. This weekend he is going camping with the Scouts and his new stepdad. Its cold, but that's part of it, isn't it?

IThe physical always mirrors the spiritual, so in regard to being a "cleaner," I did get the small bathroom clean, clean, clean! AND, I did environmental control - I went through the refrigerator and threw out everything old and rotting. Then I went to the pantry and took out everything I shouldn't eat, especially searching for MSG....and it will go to the food bank. At first I felt guilty for giving away stuff I thought was bad, then I decided it was up to everyone to read their own labels and make decisions. So, organized and healthy (my definitions), I'm ready to cheer up and start a new week the right way.

People came to us while we were out working who needed our products, and/or more income, people who are having health challenges. Some are old friends who came across our path, YAY! Lots of appointments to meet in the upcoming week.

It's interesting because for years I've been not very social, just thinking, this isn't my thing. But it is! I used to have my house full of people - loved to entertain, to love on people, to help them, just to enjoy them. Somewhere that was lost.

Once again, "courage" which is the middle part of en-courage-ment has arisen in my heart! It's time to get in and get moving in life. Thanks for the encouragement. One of the blessings of this blog and all of you is that we can be honest and everyone encourages the other, without being judgement. How cool is that?


tshsmom said...

I get so tired of always being the cleaner-upper! I'm the one to clean up the mess when my family gets depressed, but they're never there to help ME pick up the pieces when I have a meltdown.

I, too, miss having a house full of people. All of our friends have left town for greener pastures, so there's not much I can do to remedy the situation. :(

Gardenia said...

Yeh, I know. So many phone calls leading into all THEIR emergencies, etc.....just makes ya tired sometimes or else its two feet away from one in the house. Somehow this contributed to me becoming so ingrown - -

Candy Minx said...

Holy, it's hard to be a caregiver and then not have peace in your house. Sounds like the cleaning is working very well and you made a turn around. I think it's important to sahhre your feelings...even if they aren't socially acceptable angry. Why dosn't our culture let woemn burn off steam or be angry? We are still supposed to be subservient and bear it all away.

Hope you are feeling better. Sometimes mess and then cleaning makes me angry...and nothing seems to change until it's done...oh dear.

Big hugs

I am so sorry about the loss of your son, and I am sorry this time of year brings heavy memories. I hope also some memories that celebrate the time you did have together. My prayers and meditations are with you tonight.

Milla said...

Oh I never realised about what November means for you Gardenia. I think you are a very brave woman to be able to see clearly why you become angry, why you feel in a certain way and how you can deal with your feelings.
I cannot do this yet, especially when I think about my dad's and my friend Nadia's passing away. I am still as mad as hell about them, and when the time comes I cannot control my emotions very well. Maybe when I will have gained more experience about life I will be able to be more lucid when I deal with my feelings, have the same clarity that you have.

Hattigrace said...

Okay, next year, can I PLEASE come to your house for the Blues?? I LOVE them, just cannot take all the drama of getting a parking place etc.

PS Please visit Tremendoustim, bc I helped him get back to posting. He had password issues. I LOVE how he writes. Don't you?

Gardenia said...

Oh, HG, next time they fly from the base, yes, you must come over - we'll have a Blues party!!!!! Maybe grill and have wine. :)

Milla, it takes a long time to come to terms with the death of a loved one . . . my beliefs kept me going, and my other two kids. Without hope of seeing him again, I'm not sure I would have made it. Anger is one of the stages of grief - and I don't think we get over it all at once - I think we revisit all the stages of grief. I don't like to go back to the cemetery as it is too concrete for me . . . but my mother can't have his pictures out, whereas I do and burn a candle for him when I feel like it - the ceremony helps.

I'm sorry for your losses - but you know - when it comes down to it, people we love are really just on loan to us....

Biddie said...

November is a bad month for you, to say the least. I think that someoen else should be the cleaner for at least the duration of the month.
I am glad that you are feeling better, though.
Thinking of you,
Biddie x

tweetey30 said...

Things are looking up for all of us then. You are so right about having a house full of people. I have to say we do once in a while and I have to say I am opposite. I rather like having my house to myself.. I like having company but not a housefull anymore. Not like when I was growing up where my parents always had company. I would rather spend time with my girls than spend time with friends..