Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Last night, I left the house in a heavy fog to take the beach road down to "H's" store to pick up prescriptions. It was a gorgeous drive - the humidity must have been as close to 100% as possible as it was drizzling in places too. The fog in the trees was beautiful.
While at the store I saw some crab stuffed salmon. Oh, it looked so good, but I thought it was too expensive. "H" saw me longing and packaged one up for me. It went home and was grilled on the Foreman 360 - oh, so delicious, how could I get to this age, and not have experienced this delight? Added a nuked sweet potatoe with salt and pepper. Oh, so so so good. Looked up the calories and it was under 300, the sweet potato was 115, so I was good to go.
A lifestyle of counting calories, oh I've done it before when "dieting" (always to put the weight back on) but as a lifestyle - I used to think it wasn't worth it. But some shifts have come in my life, particularly when I realized my body was close to sacred - it is the house of my spirit and my soul and it is my responsibility to take care of all three with love.
I have always been a book person, not a physical person. Besides that, having so much trauma and being centered in my mind usually, my body was the last thing on my mind many times and often I was totally out of control and disassociated. Like during my cookie making session. Yeh, true confessions. But I guess if Oprah can confess on TV and in her Jan. issue of her magazine, I can too.
Why some people can eat way more than I and stay slim and never exercise, I don't know. But now it doesn't matter - what is, is. So, I've decided food will be like coffee, I want it to be simply special and delicious. If I eat it, it'll be for two reasons - to sustain me, then, to please me. I love to cook - this will be an adventure.
Exercise will be more of a challenge, I don't like it. But, I'll find a way to make it something besides an unpleasant chore.
The mindset that doesn't want to bother with controlling this part of my life - that will be a challenge too, because if we knew what it was and how to meet that challenge - well, I could write a book and become rich. Open a weight loss center! Like any addiction, it is a very complicated issue involving the whole person, not just the body.
But, unlike Oprah, I will not be mad at myself. After a life time of losing, gaining, losing, gaining, I've realized that it doesn't matter - in the long run, it doesn't matter - what matters is now, today, and I'm going from there and loving myself skinny, overweight, and in between, and I will become a student and then a master of this complicated and myterious battle. And I will remember that I am beautiful young or old, fat or thin or in between. Looking at photos of Oprah through the years, I would wish one thing for her - that she could see that beauty that radiates from her - no matter what she weighs, how "buff" she is....the same with so many women. I wonder if this is a woman thing, or if men pick themselves apart...???
Speaking of men, how often is our battle with our looks tied up with our men, or lack of? I can say that "H" and I have been like two kids with a new toy since we've both dumped so much weight - we're having a blast - as time allows. My rebellious nature has finally accepted, yes, my weight does make a difference in our relationship. He says not, but yes, it does - and vice versa - because we are happier and healthier and better people when we value ourselves and take care of ourselves as best we can. Not perfect - I'll never be a Playboy bunny and he'll never be Bruce Willis. But hey, we're not in the market for either of those types.
I'm an observer of people. And it always amazes me to see how many women "size" one another up - what's that about? I've done it....are we searching, ready to snatch any trails of beauty the one that we are sizing up might leave behind? Are we looking so we can say, "Oh, there's a flaw, now I feel better about myself?" Or are we merely getting a visual feel for who they are? What is at work here?
So, here's to my next delightful discovery of good foods to eat!