Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Food Again

Last night, I left the house in a heavy fog to take the beach road down to "H's" store to pick up prescriptions. It was a gorgeous drive - the humidity must have been as close to 100% as possible as it was drizzling in places too. The fog in the trees was beautiful.

While at the store I saw some crab stuffed salmon. Oh, it looked so good, but I thought it was too expensive. "H" saw me longing and packaged one up for me. It went home and was grilled on the Foreman 360 - oh, so delicious, how could I get to this age, and not have experienced this delight? Added a nuked sweet potatoe with salt and pepper. Oh, so so so good. Looked up the calories and it was under 300, the sweet potato was 115, so I was good to go.

A lifestyle of counting calories, oh I've done it before when "dieting" (always to put the weight back on) but as a lifestyle - I used to think it wasn't worth it. But some shifts have come in my life, particularly when I realized my body was close to sacred - it is the house of my spirit and my soul and it is my responsibility to take care of all three with love.

I have always been a book person, not a physical person. Besides that, having so much trauma and being centered in my mind usually, my body was the last thing on my mind many times and often I was totally out of control and disassociated. Like during my cookie making session. Yeh, true confessions. But I guess if Oprah can confess on TV and in her Jan. issue of her magazine, I can too.

Why some people can eat way more than I and stay slim and never exercise, I don't know. But now it doesn't matter - what is, is. So, I've decided food will be like coffee, I want it to be simply special and delicious. If I eat it, it'll be for two reasons - to sustain me, then, to please me. I love to cook - this will be an adventure.

Exercise will be more of a challenge, I don't like it. But, I'll find a way to make it something besides an unpleasant chore.

The mindset that doesn't want to bother with controlling this part of my life - that will be a challenge too, because if we knew what it was and how to meet that challenge - well, I could write a book and become rich. Open a weight loss center! Like any addiction, it is a very complicated issue involving the whole person, not just the body.

But, unlike Oprah, I will not be mad at myself. After a life time of losing, gaining, losing, gaining, I've realized that it doesn't matter - in the long run, it doesn't matter - what matters is now, today, and I'm going from there and loving myself skinny, overweight, and in between, and I will become a student and then a master of this complicated and myterious battle. And I will remember that I am beautiful young or old, fat or thin or in between. Looking at photos of Oprah through the years, I would wish one thing for her - that she could see that beauty that radiates from her - no matter what she weighs, how "buff" she is....the same with so many women. I wonder if this is a woman thing, or if men pick themselves apart...???

Speaking of men, how often is our battle with our looks tied up with our men, or lack of? I can say that "H" and I have been like two kids with a new toy since we've both dumped so much weight - we're having a blast - as time allows. My rebellious nature has finally accepted, yes, my weight does make a difference in our relationship. He says not, but yes, it does - and vice versa - because we are happier and healthier and better people when we value ourselves and take care of ourselves as best we can. Not perfect - I'll never be a Playboy bunny and he'll never be Bruce Willis. But hey, we're not in the market for either of those types.

I'm an observer of people. And it always amazes me to see how many women "size" one another up - what's that about? I've done it....are we searching, ready to snatch any trails of beauty the one that we are sizing up might leave behind? Are we looking so we can say, "Oh, there's a flaw, now I feel better about myself?" Or are we merely getting a visual feel for who they are? What is at work here?

So, here's to my next delightful discovery of good foods to eat!


Milla said...

Oh my god! That looks so yummy!!
And I thought it was very sweet of H to pack one piece of salmon up for you when he saw you looking a it.

As for diets: the Foxy Lady put me on a diet when I was 6 or 7 years old, because I was a fat kid. It never worked, not one bit: I used to steal food at night when everyone was asleep.
When I was a teen-ager I went on many diets, they never worked, not a single time. Never.

So I gave up dieting many years ago.

This year I lost some weitgh because of my walking, but my eating? I eat as much as always, especially the good Italian food I make: simple, easy but strong food.
I am fat, I have always been fat and I will always be.
I think if I were slim...I wouldn't be me.

I'm an observer of people. And it always amazes me to see how many women "size" one another up - what's that about?

Oh, I do that for mustache, all the time. One morning I saw a beautiful young woman with a bigger 'tache than mine. IT MADE MY DAY.
I 'm so cruel hahahahha!

Gardenia said...

Milla, I think weight is secondary - as I said - feeling good is the first thing because that's where our vibrancy flows out of - I know I was a drag when I couldn't hardly walk - LOL, play on words there.

I think dieting is not so good - rather a focus on feeding our body good food. I've been following your walking and your weight loss - and your wonderful pictures and stories about walking to work - I often wish I could walk with you, what a beautiful path and healthy thing to do - it all fits together!

You size for mustache - LOL - I always enjoy seeing another long, tall woman - viva la differences!!!! Now, I see a seeking between older women who are still young inside - ah, the next step to accept the aging process while taking care of ourselves (older women) - - - culture celebrates young and skinny as a rule - but look back at Marilyn Monroe, she was deliciously plump and a real goddess.

So we are all goddesses, really, just each one different. I chronicle my struggles. I think you are beautiful.

Wandering Coyote said...

I also think weight is secondary to feeling good. I've struggled with weight all my life, and like Milla, my mom put me on a diet at a young age which totally changed my perceptions about how I looked and of food in general. Bad stuff, all told.

Gardenia, your approach sounds really healthy to me. Keep it up!